Fits of Wit

Get your nose out of my uterus

Everyone keeps asking when I’m going to push munchkins out of my lady parts.

I apologize to the people who may have found the above sentence offensive. Let me rephrase…

Everyone keeps asking when I’m going to push mini Danny Devito’s out of my va-jay-jay.

Everyone keeps asking when I’m going to mix my egg with my husband’s sperm and make a super baby.

Everyone keeps asking when my vagina will be ripped open by a tiny, whiny person.

My point is that folks around me have gotten quite comfortable with bombarding the inevitable question “Are you going to have kids now?” and “What’s next?” My response is usually “When I’m good and ready, fool!” and “Keep being awesome.”

I suppose it’s a fair enough question. We as a society are bred to always be thinking about the future. The stereotypical American dream includes a successful career, single family home, spouse, and kids. It’s practically imbedded in our brains since youth that that’s the “norm.” As I think back to all the television shows and movies I watched as I was growing up the families always had at least 2 children, usually 3 (there apparently always had to be awkward middle child drama). Oh yeah, and there was always a dog. It’s like when they film family movies the director is all “And don’t forget a fucking dog! This is an American family, not a communist army!”

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So it’s not that I don’t understand why everyone around me suddenly cares so much about my mating plans. I do the same thing to be honest. When one of my friends gets married I soon wonder when they’ll start their brood. It seems to be the next chronological step. However I keep those wonders to myself because quite frankly, asking someone about that private matter is rude. If they’re forthcoming about that information, more power to them. But I think most females want to keep the secret of “trying” between them and their future baby daddy. It’s a sensitive subject to some and although I love pushing boundaries and dancing on the line of inappropriate, it could be upsetting to certain individuals. For all we know the women we are prying about could have been trying for two years and making fun of them and saying things like “Hope it happens before your ovaries shrivel up” could truly ruin their day. I am not about ruining anybody’s day unless it’s Ronald McDonald because he’s terrifying.

I may want my very own evil mini-me’s two years from now, five years from now, or maybe never. The beautiful thing about keeping my future plans secret is that it’s something I can share with my husband. I reveal many of my thoughts, opinions, and ridiculous situations with the public so it’s nice to keep the intimate details of future children between us.

Right now I’m happy living in the moment. I’m in that obnoxious YOLO mode where I don’t know if tomorrow I’ll be jumping out of a tree or giving the president a lap dance. So FYI to those of you who will continue asking “When will I hear the pitter patter of little feet?” I will probably respond with something like “When I put on tap shoes and dance on your face, you bastard.” Just kidding. I won’t say that. What I will do is roll my eyes and refer you to this blog post.

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19 Comments

  1. LaTrice

    Most women probably only think what you’ve stated and all with your wonderful wit!! KUDOS!!!

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Thank you Latrice <3

      Reply
  2. melbowman

    Reblogged this on Our Hystories and commented:
    I always enjoy blogs that use a little sarcasm or snark to get a point across. So I enjoyed this one. I think her point is a good one though. Why do we as a society feel so comfortable asking people about this? We should stop. Because for one – really, it’s none of your business. Two – you’re very possibly treading on thin ice here, potentially putting people in a very awkward position. We seem to assume that people can just make a decision to have a child and then, voila, 9 months later a baby pops out when in actuality, this is not a reality for many people. What do you think about this issue?

    Reply
  3. FitsofWit

    Thank you for the reblog! Glad you enjoyed it 🙂

    Reply
  4. bensbitterblog

    People used to ask us that all the time and besides saying, “None of your dang business,” I’d want to say, have you ever considered that we are trying but failing because one or both of us are infertile and it might cost us thousands of dollars and many procedures to even get one? Some people just think that those things pop out automatically, but for us both of them cost $1000’s of dollars to get, let alone to raise. So, yeah, people should just shut up about it.

    Reply
  5. elizabetcetera

    One thing that really kills the “when are you going to have a baby” or “do you had children” conversation is when you say something like, “I had a pregnancy loss” — usually people pause if you’re sad enough. I’m not advocating lying because that has been my response sometimes; now I guess I can add, “… and I’ve had a hysterectomy.” Of course, all the “have you thought about adoption?” questions pop up. Which can lead me to go into a detailed version of how the adoption process isn’t an easy one and why do people who ask this question never assume that most people haven’t already processed the adoption idea already? I usually just say “we have two kitties” smiling broadly because I really am proud of my fur babies! 🙂

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Well you shouldn’t have to explain yourself in the first place. Enjoy your kitties and tell those bees to mind their own wax!

      Thanks for reading!

      Reply
  6. Emily @ Adventures of a Dog Mom

    Love, love, love this, now I need to go buy a pair of tap shoes so I can start dancing on faces when they won’t shut up about it!

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Please do. Just don’t blame me for their injuries.

      Reply
  7. Mike G.
    1. FitsofWit

      Hahahah. Horrifying but so entertaining.
      I’m conflicted. It makes me not want kids but at the same time it makes me think life would be much more interesting.

      Reply
  8. Mike G.

    Luckily no children were actually harmed in the posting of that blog…I think. Wiener mobile might have gotten stuck in the garage, er, I mean pocket, um…you get the point.

    Reply
  9. Mike G.

    I wouldn’t be alarmed about prospects of those thing happening to YOUR progeny.

    But best to lock your Jack Rabbit in the closet, just to play it safe.

    Reply
  10. Karlee

    Oh gosh people have no boundaries when it comes to a woman’s body and childbearing. It starts before you get pregnant and then once you are carting a stomach around its apparent license for strangers to try and touch your ever growing stomach. I used to wonder how they’d feel if I reached down and grabbed their crotch and asked if they’d used it lately.

    Reply
  11. JunkChuck

    My wife’s catholic mom used to have this counted cross stitch thing in the kitchen–it was a square and along each line was the name of my wife and 3 her sisters. On the outside, each of their children’s names were listed–like a square family tree. Well, my wife isn’t just the hottest and coolest of her sisters, she’s also the youngest, and counting our sinful several years of unsanctioned co-habitation we were together 6 years before we decided to breed. Six years during which the my sisters-in-law were pouring out babies like Korea pumps out little egg-shaped cars impossible to differentiate one from another, and all the while our side of the square lay empty and barren for all visitors to see. We called in “the square of shame” but that didn’t hurry us along. On the plus side, when we finally did decide to breed we had twins–and our kids were absolutely the best of all the grandchildren. We think it’s because we allowed her eggs to be well-seasoned and prepared slowly, rather than scrambled willy nilly as if by some maniacal short order cook in a diner. Waiting pays.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Well that story was amazing.
      We’ve been together 9 years but only married for a little over a year. The mother-in-law wants grandchildren NOW. She told me I should stop drinking coffee and alcohol “in case” I become pregnant. I told her that won’t be for a few years. She told me to still give them up so it’s all out of my system. I believe she also thinks the earth is flat and that women should never show their ankles in public.

      Reply
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