Fits of Wit

My Love Affair With Chipotle

Every girl remembers the special time they lost their Chipotle virginity. Okay, maybe not every girl but I remember it like it was only yesterday.

The douche I was dating at the time took me to Chipotle because like most people he thought it was insane that I had never been. I didn’t see what the big deal was. It was only burritos, right? WRONG. Little did I know that I was about to discover the sexual healing that only copious amounts of guacamole can give.

Walking up to the line was intimidating. Did I want a bowl? A salad? A burrito? What if I chose a bowl and regretted it? I MOTHER FUCKING HATE THIS SOPHIE’S CHOICE BULLSHIT! I WANTED IT ALL! My boyfriend convinced me to get a burrito and so I did. I decked it out with all the trimmings I wanted. We paid and then found a table where my destiny would forever be altered.

I opened the brown bag where my silver foiled treasure was hidden. I grasped for my gem and almost broke my arm. It was the heaviest food in the tri-state area. The burrito was the size of a football. I was convinced I had five pound dumbbells at home lighter than this beast.

Ironically, this is the EXACT outfit I was wearing.

How was I going to eat this?! If the burrito was five pounds in my hands then that same five pounds was going to be in my stomach in a minute. I was disturbed but knew that I needed to complete my mission.

I dramatically and slowly peeled back the wrapper like it was a Willy Wonka Candy Bar and I was about to find the golden ticket. I laid my eyes upon the creature I was about to consume. I took a whiff and it smelled exactly how I imagine Rob Lowe’s balls smell… heaven. I took a bite and let the Chipotle burrito deflower me. It was so wrong but oh so right.

Does this turn you on?

A reenactment.

“OOOOohhhhh. AAAhhhhh. YESSSS!!!” I couldn’t control my moans. I couldn’t pace myself. The burrito continued to defile me with it’s taste and girth. Before I knew it I was finished and left panting in the booth.

From that point on I was hooked. Chipotle was a drug and I was addicted. I TRIED to say no. I TRIED not to masturbate to the thought of sour cream. I knew Chipotle was bad for me. I even used Panera as a rebound. Panera treated me good for a while but then I’d look across the food court and see Chipotle. I swear I could hear the restaurant whisper “Come to me, Jamie. No one can fill your mouth the way I do. Panera can’t leave you feeling like you’ve just been gang banged by the Backstreet Boys. Just this one last time, please.” And so I’d give in.

giphyf

Relapse.

I ended up breaking up with the asshat I was dating at the time. I could blame his constant pot smoking. I could blame it on the fact that he was a loser. But I really think it was the fact that Chipotle was more appealing than he was. Sorry, not sorry.

Now years later Chipotle is still my side bitch. We don’t see each other as often as we used to but I know Chipotle is always there when I need it. Bad day at work, just watched The Notebook, it’s Tuesday… Chipotle will be there to blow my mind and then comfort me after. I believe as the years go by and as I become older Chipotle will still be around. It could be Armageddon and the only things left standing will be cockroaches and Chipotle. My limbs could be blown off by a meteorite and I’d still find a way to prance over to the mall to devour my burrito lover.

Give this bitch a gold medal.

Give this bitch a gold medal.

Are we star-crossed lovers? Maybe.

Will it always be this way? I hope so.

Some people smoke. Some people steal. I deep throat burritos and that’s a-okay.

Food porn.

Food porn.

UPDATE: Chipotle has read this post and is requesting a booty call for later today.

My bae don't play <3

My bae don’t play <3

All gifs in this post found at giphy.com.

43 Comments

  1. sourgirlohio

    Hmmmm…probably heading to Chipotle on my lunch break today for some guacamole and sexual healing.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I went yesterday which is what inspired my blog post. The memories came flooding back. Haha.

      Reply
      1. sourgirlohio

        I’m bad. I keep a bag of tortilla chips in my desk. I usually forgo the burritos and just get 2 cups of guacamole.

        Reply
        1. FitsofWit

          Yummm.

          Reply
  2. Satin Sheet Diva

    LMAO!! I’m a Denver native and was there when they were “born” – . http://www.chipotle.com/en-us/chipotle_story/steves_story/steves_story.aspx.
    I’ve been searching for ways to explain to people how Chipotle is NOT like the others – if you don’t mind, I’ll be directing people to this blog post as you managed to capture the reality so beautifully. 🙂

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I had no idea it originated in Colorado.
      Sharing is caring. Thanks so much!

      Reply
      1. Satin Sheet Diva

        :-). Us fellow Chipotle junkies have to stick together, eh?

        Reply
  3. susielindau

    This is hilarious!!! You should tweet it to Chipotle HQ! They would love it!

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Hmmmm I think I just might…

      Reply
  4. brickhousechick

    OMG. This is just too hilarious. Great “job” with this post. Perfect GIFs and wording. I will be picturing all of this next time I “blow” past Chipotle! 🙂

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Next time you go please think of the Steven Colbert GIF rubbing the burrito on his face. Actually, reenact it please.

      Reply
  5. ~Lisa~

    OMFG, lmaooooooo the re enactment has me a bit scared of you, jk. That was friggin hilarious, I need to take what your taking. Oh NO Chipolte for me though, we dont even one that place, we do have taco johns and taco bell, but both make you seriously run for the border.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I have NEVER heard of Taco John’s.
      It doesn’t sound appetizing.

      Reply
  6. Jess R.

    I genuinely love this post. If I could use an emoji with the laughing tears, I would.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Thank you!
      I too wish I knew how to use emojis.

      Reply
  7. Courtney

    This is amazing– I am just as obsessed with Chipotle. Like…all the employees know me and they start making my food when I walk in the door. So, I guess you could say I really have my life together and shit. Also, back before Chipotle catered, I tried writing a letter to get them to cater my wedding, but no such luck. Posted it below, haha! Glad we share our Chipotle love affair!!
    http://theothercourtney.com/2012/04/21/a-hopefully-persuasive-letter-to-corporate-chipotle/

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      This obviously means we are meant to be.
      #burritofate

      Reply
  8. Dustin

    I cannot read your blog at work. That was too arousing. I can’t wait to get a Chipotle here to ravage me as well.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      You don’t have a Chipotle? I am sorry for your loss but more for me 😛

      Reply
      1. Dustin

        Qdoba Country

        Reply
        1. FitsofWit

          I have a Qdoba too which I do enjoy but it doesn’t compare to boneriffic Chipotle.

          Reply
          1. Dustin

            Last comment before I let you live your day. I’m reading your Best Of posts and they are freaking amazing. I have half of my team sitting at my desk reading about how you drink coffee as we speak. This is the most entertaining blog I’ve read in ages. Keep them coming.

          2. FitsofWit

            Thank you!!! Seriously, that means a lot.
            Tell your team to take a fieldtrip to a goddamn Chipotle and tell me how it goes.

  9. Mike G.

    I have to confess that I’ve never eaten at Chipotle. People I know and love and have sired swear by it.
    I am not sure if it was Mr. Lowe’s testicles, the allusion to group sex or your more private solo encounters that got me. I’m probably gonna go with your trip to The Land of the Hand–cuz that’s in my wheelhouse. Regardless, your post was freaking hilarious. God bless you and your gastronomic-sexual sense of humor.
    I think I need to read some more of your shit.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      The Lane of the Hand. Hilarious.
      Thank you!

      Reply
      1. Mike G.

        Chipotle update. Have now eaten there (three times) since coming across your site. Once in Central PA while dropping off daughters at Pitt, once in northern Connecticut during trip to MA to bury my dad and once just a few miles from our home in NJ just because I was hungry. I’ve since stopped eating at Qdoba despite the fact that it’s across the street from my office.

        Reply
        1. FitsofWit

          Amazing. Sorry Qdoba.

          Reply
          1. Mike G.

            I AM afraid of attempting the final gif myself. I am afraid the steaming hot burrito might scar my junk. Not that anyone would notice at this point. (Me feeling sorry for myself as I am now older than the federal speed limit.)

          2. FitsofWit

            Perhaps if you let the burrito cool a bit. But not too much. Just so it’s a tad warm. And make sure there’s no foil. Cuts.

  10. essbee14

    This is the best love letter I’ve ever read. I hope Chipotle is polyamorous, because I am all about that tinfoil wrapped heartbreaker. Can you create a compilation of stories called “My First Time” about people’s discovery of the Chipotle burrito? (Also, awesome response from Chipotle HQ – now I just love them more!).

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Yes, Chipotle is polyamorous. Chipotle is a dirty little whore and that’s okay. Everyone needs to experience the lust.

      Reply
  11. ditchthebun

    Hilarious! I have never tried Chipotle I don’t think they have them in Oz. However I did enjoy the “Do You Want to Go to Chipotle?” Frozen parody 🙂 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csDv02y3vTk
    I laughed out loud when I read Chipotle’s response to your tweet, that is awesome!!!

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      What can I say? My burrito brings all the boys to the yard.

      Reply
  12. slynn21

    Oh my gosh. I laughed so hard at this. Well, not really, I actually just smirked and snorted a few times. Great post!

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Thank goodness you clarified. I hate when people write LOL but didn’t really LOL 😉
      Thank you for reading.

      Reply
  13. SASSYPIEHOLE (@sassypiehole)

    OMG Those animations are almost as funny as the goddamn story! LMAO

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I get all my gifs from giphy. Never disappoints. 🙂

      Reply
  14. morgan032032

    “I deep throat burritos and that’s a-okay.” I’m dead. So funny. Now I understand why everyone kept calling you sour cream girl..

    Reply
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  17. Linda Roy

    omg, this is freaking hysterical! I will never eat another Chipotle burrito without thinking of this. And Rob Lowe’s balls.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Thanks. I get that a lot.
      People bring up this post all the time when telling me about their Chipotle adventures. They basically owe me a cut of their profits by now. Basically.

      Reply
  18. Sophia Ball

    When you liked one of my posts the wordpress notification directed suggested this old post of yours and never having tried Chipotle, I was intrigued.

    Oh. My. God. so worth the read! I must say, you have a beautiful relationship with food. Also, do they have one in Canada? Because trying Chipotle just made my life bucket list. I’m gonna Stephen Colbert the shit out of a burrito one day.

    Reply

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