You know how you wake up on Monday and realize you have to go to work? Then you try to get your ass out of bed and almost fall to the floor? Then the room spins like you’re in hell’s washing machine and you wonder why? And then you remember that last night you drank five glasses of wine? And then you consider calling your boss and telling her you have Ebola and you need the day off? But then you realize that’s probably not a good idea because if word gets out that you have Ebola the government will come for you and store you in a weird containment unit like E.T.?
Yeah, that’s how my morning is going.
I woke up 10 minutes before I had to be at work. I quickly brushed my teeth, threw my greasy hair into a bun, and hightailed it to the office. I poured a giant cup of coffee or as I like to call it, “liquid sex,” and hoped for a quiet day.
Now, you know how when you’re hungover that’s THE ONE FUCKING DAY your boss decides to give you all kinds of ish to do? Like, she comes in and is all “Good morning. Here is every single project that exists in the world. I’ve gathered it all just for you. Can you please complete within the next hour?” And she goes on and on and you don’t really hear what she’s saying because all you can think about is how badly you need to use the restroom? But you pretend that every word she says is more interesting than a sex museum and you all of a sudden are impressed at how good of an actress you are?
I don’t think my boss or coworkers suspect a thing. So now here I am doing what I have to do slooooooowly. My coffee’s finished and I’m now chugging water ironically like I chugged wine last night. It’s not something that happens often… me drinking wine on a Sunday night. I was at a dinner party which somehow turned into a wine party. We drank that shit like it was the blood of christ.
Have you ever gone to work hungover and gotten away with it? Were you able to perform your duties? Or were you regretting ever having alcohol touch your lips? Did you leave for the day feeling ashamed, or like me, a total badass?