Fits of Wit

The Pumpkin Gene

I’ve recently discovered that I am in fact, caucasian.

I always assumed I was. “They” say if both of your parents are white then chances are, you are as well. I don’t know who “they” are. Doctors? Genetic scientists? Pssssh!!! What do they know?

I mean, I guess I’ve always had caucasian traits. I’m pasty. I played the clarinet in high school. I orgasm for Nutella. I own a Kitchenaid mixer that I never use. All characteristics that point to honkey heritage.

But then I would become confused because at times I could not relate to my other alabaster friends. I despise country music. I do not think Dave Matthews is a God. I hate men in pink. Yoga does not look like fun, it looks like porn. I’m pretty sure camping is what hell is like.

STOP, white people.

STOP, white people.

But ultimately most of my problems are white people problems. I figured the genetic scientists “claiming” that my two caucasian parents resulted in my cracker DNA must be somewhat accurate. I accepted it, mostly. There was about 5% of my brain that was still convinced I was a unicorn. That is, until yesterday evening.

Yesterday I arrived home from work and rummaged my pantry and freezer for snacks. This is what I found…

Please liquify and inject into my veins.

Pumpkin spice peanut butter, pop-tarts, m&m’s, and waffles. Did I mention that I also had pumpkin Oreos in my purse? Somehow over the last two weeks I had bought these festive treats and not realized that they added up to a disturbing display. That’s when I realized it… I HAVE THE PUMPKIN GENE.

Pumpkin gene: A molecular unit of heredity found only in caucasian-born humans, characterized by loving pumpkin-flavored food to the point of obsession.

The proof was right in front of me. Years of questioning my Aryan ancestry was over. That’s when I knew I couldn’t fight it any longer. I was caucasian.

I decided to drown my defeat the only way I knew how… but devouring every snack in my pantry until I myself, resembled a pumpkin. I tore open the m&m’s. I ate the peanut butter out of the container with a spoon. I didn’t even have the patience to put the Pumpkin Pop-tarts in the toaster. I needed them NOW. I ran over to my purse and started on the Oreos when my husband walked in.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Did you just eat an entire sleeve of those Oreos?’ he asked.

“I have the pumpkin gene! YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND! You’re not white!”

He rolled his eyes and then shot me a look that could only mean “I love this crazy bitch.”

I’m going to try to embrace my new found Anglo-Saxon roots. I’ve come to realize that I’ve had signs of possesing the pumpkin gene all along but just never admitted it. For example, I bought a pumpkin-spice latte from Starbucks THE DAY it came out this year. I also visited a pumpkin patch last autumn and murdered an innocent gourd. THE HORROR!

Pumpkin patches. Crack dens. Same difference.

Call me basic. Call me ridiculous. Just don’t call me late for pumpkin pie.

39 Comments

  1. Mark Petruska

    Pumpkin spice peanut butter?! I must be caucasian too, because that sounds great to me.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      It is SO GOOD. Plus it’s whipped peanut butter so it’s light and fluffy as well.
      DROOOOOL.

      Reply
  2. longviewhill

    I’m Caucasian too, but I confess, I do not understand this obsession with squash that everyone else has. I swear if it were Beet Spiced lattes or Yam Spiced tea, no one would drink them. 🙂

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Mmmmm I do like beets.
      I think it’s more so the fact that this is the only time of year it’s acceptable to go crazy with pumpkin. Therefore we get in as much as we can with the little time we have.

      Reply
  3. Kate @ Did That Just Happen?

    hahhaahahahahaah! OMG, I have to go buy the pumpkin M&M’s!!!

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      They’re at Target. The m&ms actually don’t taste that pumpkiny. I think the chocolate over powers the flavor.

      Reply
      1. Kate @ Did That Just Happen?

        Well that’s a bummer! Oreo’s it is! 🙂

        Reply
        1. FitsofWit

          The Oreos are no joke. Pretty sure they’re made with coccaine.

          Reply
  4. bensbitterblog

    Actually, I don’t think you are white. You are orange. You’re not yellow like the Simpsons, or white like me, but orange. I just hope people are racist against your kind.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Me and my pumpkin compadres will get you.

      Reply
  5. Jan Moyer

    America, land of all things Pumpkin Spice. I had no idea.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I forgot to mention the pumpkin creamer in my fridge and my husband’s pumpkin cider in the basement.
      It’s out of control here.

      Reply
      1. Jan Moyer

        Amazing. I thought pumpkin spice oreos were mythological.

        Reply
  6. The Regular Guy NYC

    I hate Dave Matthews. I’m sorry, but he looks like a creepy stalker dude to me. Like he should be on To Catch A Predator.
    I also despise country music. Yuck. Same goes for camping. My idea of camping is settling for a three star rated hotel. At least I have a clean toilet to poop in.

    All we need here now is pumpling spiced condoms.

    Oops – https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BxC9nHKIgAAErEo.jpg

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I remember reading that the pumpkin condoms were FAKE which is sort of sad. They’d make genitals smell like Thanksgiving.

      Reply
  7. bensbitterblog

    Sorry I meant aren’t racist against your kind. Whoops.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Sure you did…

      Reply
      1. bensbitterblog

        Fine, I’m a pumpkinist.

        Reply
  8. Spoken Like A True Nut

    Dave Matthews not a god, check.
    Country music hate, check.
    Sorry, but I actually like camping and yoga.

    There is 100% certainty that I have the pumpkin gene, but unfortunately for me the pumpkin spice latte is the only thing you mentioned that is actually available in my city, so now I have to dislike you on principle because you get to have those other pumpkin things and I don’t.

    I think I’ll go comfort myself by brewing up a pot of my pumpkin spice loose tea.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Pumpkin spice tea sounds good!
      I’d make tea if I wasn’t so lazy.

      Reply
  9. brickhousechick

    Ha! I am latina and I too love everything pumpkin! Who knew!? My fave is pumpkin pie and pumpkin ice cream. OMG. I can’t even stand writing about these without eating them ASAP!

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      GO! EAT!
      I don’t know if I’ve had pumpkin ice cream.
      Now I’ll have to go hunt for it.

      Reply
  10. journeymcguire2014

    If my Irish wasn’t so evident by my drinking habits, I would swear I was black. That Snoop Dog fellow makes some great ditties.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Hahahaha! The fact that you used the word “ditties” may disqualify you from being black.
      But ditties does rhyme with titties so maybe it’s a cooler word than I thought…

      Reply
  11. MamaMickTerry

    Are you my long lost second cousin twice removed?
    I think my pumpkin gene has extended into an extra limb–I even grew pumpkins this year.
    I absolutely love your writing! Just sayin 🙂

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Thank you.
      What are you going to do with all of your grown pumpkins? I roast pumpkin seeds each year with old bay. Yummm.

      Reply
  12. ~Lisa~

    Came across this and of course thought of you and your pumpkin obsession..~
    http://omgchocolatedesserts.com/pumpkin-lasagna/

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      It actually doesn’t look too tough to make.
      AND it looks orgasm inducing.
      Thanks.

      Reply
      1. ~Lisa~

        It kinda does, too bad I suck at cooking.

        Reply
  13. Jess R.

    Hah! This is hilarious. I couldn’t agree more about the country music…and New Englanders have the tendency to fully dress in cowboy boots, hats, and flannel shirts for country concerts, and it drives me insane. Just to emphasize they are at a country concert.
    Thank you for the laugh!

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Thanks for reading! Yeah… I live down the street from a concert venue where they have “Sunday in the Country” each year. I get to watch all the boots, hats, and flannel shirts walk down the street in hoards. Scary stuff.

      Reply
  14. Mike G.

    Okay I think I’ve got a sliver of hope for you. My wife suffers the same malady as do you. We have a half eaten package of the Oreos and Pop Tarts in the kitchen. The marshmallow haven’t been opened I am happy to report. She also hit Starbucks on the opening day of PSL season.
    But here’s the good news I promised. She’s not Caucasian…she’s Sicilian! So I believe that trumps any geneticist you can point to.
    Don’t thank me, it was simply my pleasure to help you out.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      What do you mean “the marshmallows?”
      Am I missing something?
      ARE THERE MOTHER FUCKING PUMPKIN MARSHMALLOWS?!!!

      Reply
      1. Mike G.

        Oh yes. Shoot me your email and I’ll forward a photo of these bad boys right to you

        Reply
        1. FitsofWit

          PUHLEEZ… I Googled that ish as soon as I read about it. I’ll be on the hunt tomorrow.

          Reply
  15. Mike G.

    A public service announcement from your new loyal reader in North Jersey:

    http://link.huffingtonpost.com/519f56dd65dfa34d7a7b5db11vneb.3ln2/VDKAmkmOX3nvm9kgB006e

    Please be careful out there.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Wow thanks for thinking of me.
      I wouldn’t mind turning orange. Then I can just lay in pumpkin fields and blend in. No one will notice.

      Reply
      1. Mike G.

        I am nothing if not considerate of those who make me smile.

        I will be on the lookout for any other PSA’s re over consumption of Mexican food. And I will be sure to pass those along.

        Reply
  16. Pingback: How to Murder a Pumpkin in 10 Easy Steps | Fits of Wit

Leave a Reply

Follow

Get the latest posts delivered to your mailbox:

%d bloggers like this: