The following post is a part of the Funny Blog Friday Blog Hop. After reading today’s story about how I ALMOST DIED AND CROSSED OVER TO THE OTHER SIDE, DOOMED TO FOREVER MAKE POTTERY WITH PATRICK SWAYZE… keep scrolling to read on about my giveaway. Then take a look at the other bloggers participating in Funny Blog Friday. Each blog is also posting something hilarious, sarcastic, or all around funny today and ALSO having giveaways. It’s like adult trick-or-treat minus finding heroine needles in your Snickers.
Happy Halloween, happy reading, and happy winning!
My American Horror Story
The other morning I was almost murdered.
It began like any other morning. My husband had already left for work and it was now my turn to awaken and begrudgingly start the day. I got up looking naturally beautiful as always and made the bed. Just kidding. I never make the bed but if I did, I imagine it would look something like this.
Okay, so maybe when I wake up I REALLY look more like a meth-addict than a sexy french maid but one can dream. I brushed my teeth and walked over to my closet when I heard a sound from downstairs. THE SOUND OF MY FRONT DOOR OPENING.
Still in pajamas, smeared eyeliner, and rats-nest-chic hair, I called my husband and told him I heard a sound.
“I heard something from downstairs! I’m scared. Stay on the phone with me while I check it out!”
“Are you sure it wasn’t the neighbor’s door? It’s probably nothing.”
I responded the way any crazed woman who just had the shit scared out of her would…
With my husband still on the line I decided I needed to sneak downstairs to see for myself what was happening. I scanned my bedroom for a weapon. Nothing. I walked into our guest room which we turned into a make-shift gym instead. Would a dumbbell work? Maybe I could at least throw it at my assailant’s face which would give me a few seconds of time to run. Genius! And so I picked up my 5-pound, lime green dumbbell and began my journey.
Phone in one hand, dumbbell in the other, I quietly tip-toed down the stairs to the main floor. The front door was still closed and locked but I wasn’t convinced. My soon-to-be killer could have just locked it behind him so I wouldn’t be suspicious. I disclosed to my husband that the main floor was clear and made my way over to the basement stairs next.
Slowly, I creeped down. The main room in the basement remained calm and quiet and it was now time to check the bathroom. My breathing intense, goosebumps raised all over, I approached the bathroom and observed a scene of horror. BLOOD EVERYWHERE.
For a moment I was so consumed with fear that I had forgotten I decorated our bathroom for Halloween. I screamed at the top of my lungs louder than an intoxicated Gilbert Gottfried.
“Sorry I screamed in your ear. You okay?” I asked my husband.
Annoyed, he replied “Yes but did you check the shower?”
“Holy fucking Christ. I can’t check the shower. There’s fake blood everywhere. WHAT IF THE KILLER IS IN THERE AND HE STABS ME AND THE CSI PEOPLE CAN’T TELL MY BLOOD FROM THE FAKE BLOOD THAT IS CURRENTLY ALL OVER OUR BATHROOM?!!!”
“Well if there’s a killer he would have heard you by now. Just check the shower.”
I attempted to muster up some courage but was having difficulty. There was only one thing I was imagining in that shower and it was more horrifying than words…
Finally, I approached the shower and ripped back the curtain. Nothing was there.
I told my husband I was safe. I was now also late for work because of my antics but I didn’t care. Oddly, I was proud that I had the courage to explore the sound. That dumbbell wouldn’t have done jack-shit but I swear my left bicep was a little firmer that day.
Next time I hear a sound I’ll have no fear. I am woman. Hear me roar. Mess with me and I’ll go Kathy Bates on your ass.
What are you most afraid of? Clowns? Rats? Hobos? Hilary Clinton? Puppets? Dry weddings?
Tell me what scares you in the comments below. I’ll choose ONE commenter at random and announce Monday, November 3rd who will win the below swag…
Inappropriate grandma crafts are one of my most favorite things in the world. I am also in the process of nailing down some mad cross-stitch skillz for future projects.
Visit the Other Funny Blog Friday Blogs listed below for even more hilarity and giveaways!
Victoria of Angst Anarchy
Alanna of White Girls Be Like…
Jamie of Fits of Wit
H.E. Ellis of H.E. Ellis
Jessie of Jessie Reyna
Alice of Alice at Wonderland
Ben of Ben’s Bitter Blog
Jenn of Properly Ridiculous
Lisa of Buddhaful Britt
JC of JCS Bloggery
Sarah of No Cry Babies
Elke of The Pretty Platform
Jack of The Things I see Up Here
Chicks A & E of Too Funny Chicks
Charly of Crazy Life
Kevin of Trailer Trash Deluxe
Karilin of That Nameless Color
Arthur from Pouring My Art Out