Fits of Wit

An American Horror Story and Trashy Craft Giveaway

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The following post is a part of the Funny Blog Friday Blog Hop. After reading today’s story about how I ALMOST DIED AND CROSSED OVER TO THE OTHER SIDE, DOOMED TO FOREVER MAKE POTTERY WITH PATRICK SWAYZE… keep scrolling to read on about my giveaway. Then take a look at the other bloggers participating in Funny Blog Friday. Each blog is also posting something hilarious, sarcastic, or all around funny today and ALSO having giveaways. It’s like adult trick-or-treat minus finding heroine needles in your Snickers.

Happy Halloween, happy reading, and happy winning!


My American Horror Story

The other morning I was almost murdered.

It began like any other morning. My husband had already left for work and it was now my turn to awaken and begrudgingly start the day. I got up looking naturally beautiful as always and made the bed. Just kidding. I never make the bed but if I did, I imagine it would look something like this.

scarygif2

Okay, so maybe when I wake up I REALLY look more like a meth-addict than a sexy french maid but one can dream. I brushed my teeth and walked over to my closet when I heard a sound from downstairs. THE SOUND OF MY FRONT DOOR OPENING.

Still in pajamas, smeared eyeliner, and rats-nest-chic hair, I called my husband and told him I heard a sound.

“I heard something from downstairs! I’m scared. Stay on the phone with me while I check it out!”

“Are you sure it wasn’t the neighbor’s door? It’s probably nothing.”

I responded the way any crazed woman who just had the shit scared out of her would…

scarygif6

With my husband still on the line I decided I needed to sneak downstairs to see for myself what was happening. I scanned my bedroom for a weapon. Nothing. I walked into our guest room which we turned into a make-shift gym instead. Would a dumbbell work? Maybe I could at least throw it at my assailant’s face which would give me a few seconds of time to run. Genius! And so I picked up my 5-pound, lime green dumbbell and began my journey.

Phone in one hand, dumbbell in the other, I quietly tip-toed down the stairs to the main floor. The front door was still closed and locked but I wasn’t convinced. My soon-to-be killer could have just locked it behind him so I wouldn’t be suspicious. I disclosed to my husband that the main floor was clear and made my way over to the basement stairs next.

Slowly, I creeped down. The main room in the basement remained calm and quiet and it was now time to check the bathroom. My breathing intense, goosebumps raised all over, I approached the bathroom and observed a scene of horror. BLOOD EVERYWHERE.

My actual bathroom floor and shower curtain.

My actual bathroom floor and shower curtain.

For a moment I was so consumed with fear that I had forgotten I decorated our bathroom for Halloween. I screamed at the top of my lungs louder than an intoxicated Gilbert Gottfried.

“Sorry I screamed in your ear. You okay?” I asked my husband.

Annoyed, he replied “Yes but did you check the shower?”

“Holy fucking Christ. I can’t check the shower. There’s fake blood everywhere. WHAT IF THE KILLER IS IN THERE AND HE STABS ME AND THE CSI PEOPLE CAN’T TELL MY BLOOD FROM THE FAKE BLOOD THAT IS CURRENTLY ALL OVER OUR BATHROOM?!!!”

“Well if there’s a killer he would have heard you by now. Just check the shower.”

I attempted to muster up some courage but was having difficulty. There was only one thing I was imagining in that shower and it was more horrifying than words…

scarygif5

Fucking clowns.

Finally, I approached the shower and ripped back the curtain. Nothing was there.

I told my husband I was safe. I was now also late for work because of my antics but I didn’t care. Oddly, I was proud that I had the courage to explore the sound. That dumbbell wouldn’t have done jack-shit but I swear my left bicep was a little firmer that day.

Next time I hear a sound I’ll have no fear. I am woman. Hear me roar. Mess with me and I’ll go Kathy Bates on your ass.

scarygif4

 

What are you most afraid of? Clowns? Rats? Hobos? Hilary Clinton? Puppets? Dry weddings?

Tell me what scares you in the comments below. I’ll choose ONE commenter at random and announce Monday, November 3rd who will win the below swag…

Made by yours truly.

Made by yours truly.

Inappropriate grandma crafts are one of my most favorite things in the world. I am also in the process of nailing down some mad cross-stitch skillz for future projects.

Visit the Other Funny Blog Friday Blogs listed below for even more hilarity and giveaways!

Victoria of Angst Anarchy

Alanna of White Girls Be Like…

Jamie of Fits of Wit

H.E. Ellis of H.E. Ellis

Jessie of Jessie Reyna

Alice of Alice at Wonderland

Ben of Ben’s Bitter Blog

Jenn of Properly Ridiculous

Lisa of Buddhaful Britt

JC of JCS Bloggery

Sarah of No Cry Babies

Elke of The Pretty Platform

Jack of The Things I see Up Here

Chicks A & E of Too Funny Chicks

Charly of Crazy Life

Kevin of Trailer Trash Deluxe

Karilin of That Nameless Color

Arthur from Pouring My Art Out

 

 

 

 

28 Comments

  1. Brandy

    Rat tails. Actual rat tails, not the haircut. Although the haircut is almost as terrifying.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I wish I could agree with you but I adore rodents. Yes, they’d be cuter without those hairless tails but I bet cat tails look exactly the same under all that fur.
      Rat tails THE HAIRSTYLE however, scary stuff.

      Reply
  2. Mike G.

    What I am most afraid of: Winning this contest and then having to explain to my wife where in the fuck I got them and then having her read all of my posts and then having her think I am stalking you and then having her contact a divorce attorney and then having to move out of our 5000 sq. ft.
    Tudor with a back deck overlooking the NYC skyline and having to live in a studio apartment above a bodega in Newark NJ.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      That is scary. If I do end up pulling your name out as the winner, you can of course just give these to your children.

      Reply
  3. H.E. ELLIS

    I am afraid of Siri. No joke. My kids talk to it constantly and then chase me around the house while it answers.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Bahahaha! Hilarious.

      Reply
  4. bensbitterblog

    You know what scarese me the most. Freaking MRI machines because claustraphobia. Never again!

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I just don’t like the loud sounds they make.
      Are you afraid of crowded elevators, too?

      Reply
      1. bensbitterblog

        Any kind of crowded spaces. I also don’t like being locked in a car trunk and brought over county lines.

        Reply
  5. Alanna

    Hahaha omg the mustache ride one though…

    I was about to buy a shower curtain with bloody handprints and all, but my personal biggest fear is Samara from “The Ring”. I honestly still have nightmares about her, like the same recurring nightmare since I saw the movie in 4th grade. There’s something truly shady about a girl who hops out of a well on her own.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      That movie WAS scary. I wonder if I’d watch it now if it would have the same effect as it did when I was younger. I can do an awesome impression of her throat crackling sound. Muah hahaha!

      Reply
  6. Mike G.

    Okay, so I know I already responded for the contest, but this IS sorta creepy. Given your DIY proclivities I thought of you when I ran across this in the NYT on line this morning. Check it out:

    http://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/30/garden/diy-taxidermy-may-be-for-you-if-you-have-the-guts.html?hp&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&module=mini-moth&region=top-stories-below&WT.nav=top-stories-below&_r=0

    Happy Hauntings

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      NO. NO. NO.
      I LOVE rodents. My hampster is the most dapper mother fucker on the planet. I prefer not to have adorable dead things around my place.

      Reply
      1. Mike G.

        Okay. Didn’t want you to take his/her life prematurely. Just in case you were running out of craft ideas.

        Reply
  7. ~Lisa~

    God, how i Loved the first American Horror STory….<3

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      YES!!! The best season. This one currently on is a close second for me so far.

      Reply
  8. victoriathameswrit

    Hilarious!! LOL Thanks for the laugh.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Thanks for reading!

      Reply
  9. pouringmyartout

    so awesome… hey, hate to bother you, but I signed up late for this project… could you add my link to your list… please… http://pouringmyartout.com/
    thanks

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Added.

      Reply
      1. pouringmyartout

        Thanks so much… and I see the glass as half empty while wondering why they gave me such a small glass to begin with… just so you know…

        Reply
  10. aliceatwonderland

    That totally sounds like something I would do if I ever thought to decorate my shower curtain in fake blood.

    I simply MUST have your swag. It speaks to me. Okay, so what scares me the most? I gotta agree with you on the clown thing. They are unbelievably creepy. Even creepier, though? A clown wearing an Anonymous mask. That would have me screaming in my husband’s ear for sure.

    Reply
  11. trailertrashdeluxe

    You do realize that Tim Curry in clown makeup is hiding in your apartment in the one place you forgot to check, just waiting for you both to go to sleep tonight, don’t you? Sweet dreams.
    No, it was probably the neighbor’s place. Probably.

    Reply
  12. Very Bangled

    Too funny. I can imagine myself doing exactly like you dod, calling my husband, his exasperated eye roll coming across the phone line. But with my two dogs freaking out too. I’d be screaming, they’d be barking hysterically in various directions and still the house would remain empty.

    Anyways, that which scares me most. There’s this awful moment where I’m asleep but startle very very easily. So my husband scares me most, because he has a knack for getting into bed or turning on lights or making a noise at this time. In the lizard part of my brain there’s some terrible attacker coming at me while I’m at my most vulnerable. So I wake up screaming. Oh, and movie scenes when they are being chased and don’t shut the door behind them. That scares me too.

    Reply
  13. naptimethoughts

    very nice, very nice. What scares me is that Dylan Mcdermott isn’t on AHS, and has, instead, been cast on some crappy sitcom/drama that won’t last more than 4 episodes…… AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!

    Reply
  14. johnhutchens1

    the noise from the boiler makes me jump
    cooladam1 at live dot com

    Reply
  15. Cazey Williams

    Good use of AHS gifs!

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Anytime is a good time for AHS gifs.

      Reply

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