1. Find a pumpkin. Bond with it.
You can find pumpkins right now at any grocery store but I prefer going to a pumpkin patch. The pumpkins in the patch are still attached to vines and have no idea they’re about to be gutted and have their corpse put on display. They’re like innocent little lambs in the pasture. Your killing will feel that much more personal if you abduct your pumpkin from this location.
2. Make spiked cider. You’ll need to be liquored up in order to murder your gourd baby.
Mix together apple cider, cranberry juice, and dark rum. Toss in a few apple slices so it looks gourmet n’ shit. Pour yourself a glass, then a second, and so on and so forth…
3. Cut open the top of the pumpkin. Laugh maniacally.
You should be no more than two cups of rum cider in before cutting open your orange captive’s cranium. The knife could be sharp and a trip to the emergency room is always a pain in the ass. Make sure after you lobotomize the pumpkin, you laugh like a cracked-out mad scientist for good measure.
4. Fist the pumpkin. You need to show it who’s boss.
You don’t want your pumpkin to think it wears the pants in this relationship. Show it that you’re the dominant master by scooping out it’s flesh and seeds with your bare hands. Extra points if you call it your dirty little slave while doing so.
5. Separate the seeds and flesh.
The seeds will be used for roasting and you can use the flesh for numerous other recipes. If you do not wish to eat the flesh you can also sew it into a mask and put it on your face. Then turn to your pumpkin hostage and mock him while he cries tears of horror. Collect those tears. They probably taste delicious.
6. Realize that you don’t have aluminum foil. Send your husband to the store.
You’ve been meaning to buy aluminum foil but kept forgetting. It’s okay. Your husband is so excited for roasted pumpkin seeds he doesn’t even mind. Feel thankful that you have such a sexy, caring, giving man in your life. Remember this for later. He deserves a blow job. If you want to keep the autumn theme going, sprinkle nutmeg on his junk.
7. Drink more rum cider while you wait for your husband’s return.
He said he was only going down the street but it’s now been 15 minutes. Come to terms with the fact that if he never comes home you still have spiked cider by your side. Add even more rum because it’s Sunday. Jesus died so we could drink alcohol. Thank you, Jesus.
8. Finally get aluminum foil. Roast the seeds.
Heat oven to 300 degrees. Lay out foil onto a cookie sheet. Coat seeds in olive oil and Old Bay and spread onto foil. Add even more Old Bay because you’re a mother fucking Marylander. Put in oven for 20 minutes, flip seeds, then cook for another 20 minutes. Once cooled, eat one, then two, then 50. Next thing you know you’ve almost eaten an entire pumpkin’s worth of seeds because you’re caucasian and you have the pumpkin gene. Feel slightly obese. Drink more rum cider to drown your shame.
9. Carve the pumpkin.
It wasn’t enough that you removed the seeds and flesh. Now you need to mutilate the face of your pumpkin so all other pumpkins know you’re the kingpin in this town. Choose a Halloween themed pattern and cut that bitch like it’s your highschool bully.
10. You are now finished. Put your candlelit victim on display.
All killers keep trophies of their conquests and you’re no exception. Display your dead pumpkin for all your neighbors to see. Feel accomplished. Find another pumpkin next week and repeat steps 1-10. Smile evily and think to yourself that this will be the best October ever.