Fits of Wit

A Surprise Nerdy 30 (and how to be the best wife ever)

I hate to toot my own horn but TOOT TOOT MOTHER FUCKERS, I plan the best parties. A few months ago I starting planning for my husband’s 30th birthday weekend. It needed to be nostalgic, retro, and 80’s. I wanted him to feel like a kid again. Turning 30 messes with your head (EVIDENCE: The below F.R.I.E.N.D.S video) and I wanted him to have a night of carefree fun rather than sobbing tears into cake.

And so I put on my invisible party-planning-goddess hat and got to work. Sure, it was a bit over the top but that’s how I roll and it’s what my hard working, amazing husband deserved. We strive for our marriage to always be fun and unique and his 30th birthday would be no different.

I had planned to blindfold the birthday boy and then realized last minute that I didn’t own a blindfold. I could have sworn that a kinky aunt had gifted one to me at my bridal shower last year so I raided the sex drawer which should really be called the-cheesey-erotica-collection-we’ll-never-use-drawer. Glow in the dark sex dice seemed like such a good idea at the time…

I failed to find any type of blindfold so I found a piece of fabric, ripped it, and covered my husband’s eyes. I then drove him to location #1… an indoor trampoline park.

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Everyone had a blast on the trampolines. We continued jumping for an hour until all 18 guests realized they were old as Queen Elizabeth II.

“My legs are jello!” “My back hurts!”

It was at that moment I thought it would have been a brilliant idea to give away Bengay and Icy Hot as party favors. We then walked over to the party room and stuffed ourselves full of pizza and cake. It made us forget about our arthritic limbs for a good half hour.

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Next, it was onto the second and final location. I re-blindfolded the spouse and drove him to my friend’s home which I had decorated earlier with a space invaders theme and all his favorite toys from his childhood.

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And so he took off his blindfold and not only was my comic-book-geek of a husband greeted with vintage toys and tons of booze but also, some of his friends dressed in 80s-esque cosplay.

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To say he was excited is an understatement. He loved it like Hilary Clinton loves pant suits.

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We wore 80’s glasses, Space Invaders beads, posed with a giant Zach Morris phone, and of course ate some pretty creative party food.

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We drank mixed drinks which we called Ectoplasm and Bill Murray. I also had a friend make a ton of jello shots, one of which he called a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

I may have had a few jello shots, OKAY TEN, and danced around to 80s hits like Thriller and Jesse’s Girl. Best of all, with an abundance of retro toys laying around, a Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em robots tournament commenced.

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“Let’s never sleep!” my cousin and I hollered outloud while we shook our rumps and waved glowsticks in the air like intoxicated fireflies.

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But alas, at 3am we finally passed out. Our bellies full of Bill Murray and Spiderman gummi’s. It was a party to remember and the only way I could have visioned celebrating such a milestone.

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So to my spouse I say Happy 30th Birthday!!! You get better with age. Seriously, you’re like a hispanic Jon Hamm and I dig it. Don’t worry, I don’t expect you to be nearly as creative when my 30th rolls around in a year and a half. Just save up for Vegas and don’t get weirded out when I request we get our vows renewed by Elvis in a speedo.

39 Comments

  1. naptimethoughts

    Aaaaahhhh, I was laughing by TOOT TOOT MOTHER FUCKERS. You fuuuuuunny.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I imagine TOOT TOOT MOTHER FUCKERS is what a gangsta train would say in Thomas the Tank Engine World.

      Reply
      1. thehonkinggoose

        YES

        Reply
  2. caughtinwanderlust1

    Such a fun time!!!!!

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      It went by too fast.

      Reply
  3. Mike G.

    Oh you krazy kids. We’ve already discussed Jell-O so no need to rehash that issue. Except to note that I do believe they’re edible only when tons of bananas and strawberries are mixed in with the gelatin. Then that shit doesn’t wiggle so much.

    On the subject of Rock em Sock em Robots let me add that it was simply THE BEST XMAS GIFT I ever received. December 25, 1964. Yep–just five and a half years old and it’s been down hill for the past 49 years (in terms of toys at least).

    I am quite sure Mr. Fits of Wit truly appreciates your efforts. So toot that fucking horn all you want.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      There should never be fruit in jello. EVER.

      Reply
      1. Mike G.

        Gotta slow the Jell-O down!!! The thought of downing unadulterated Jell-O makes me gag. And that speaks to another issue that I’m not prepared to discuss in an open forum.

        Reply
  4. Mara Eastern

    You might be the best wife ever.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      *blushes* Thank you.

      Reply
  5. Kevin

    It looks like a fun party for an old “30” guy! Good job. I can see a future in party planning for you!

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I always wanted to be a party planner but I know I’d have to keep a second job just to make ends meet and just thinking about it stresses me out.

      Reply
  6. bensbitterblog

    I would have been pretty happy with just the video game decorations.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      You can get them on Amazon.com.

      Reply
  7. Very Bangled

    Awesome planning. I think all the parties I went to in the eighties ended the same way as that last picture. All cranked up on soda and candy leads to total racking out.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Exactly. So much sugar.

      Reply
  8. FitsofWit

    LOL. Let’s slowly fade away into our 30s first.

    Reply
  9. Aussa Lorens

    Damn. I need a wife like you. Or something.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Truth.

      Reply
  10. Courtney

    Okay this is amazing!!! I feel like such a loser wife for doing nothing as awesome for my husband’s 30th. Maybe I’ll make it a KILLER 31st birthday?!?!?!?! Such an awesome day for him, he is lucky to have you!

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Thanks. Haha @ KILLER 31st birthday. Maybe that would work. We always try to do something. But I’m sure no other birthday after this will live up to his 30th. Kind of a downer now that I think about it.

      Reply
  11. Mark Petruska

    My cheesey-erotica-collection-we’ll-never-use-drawer contains some questionable items, too. Strawberry body lotion sounds like fun when you’re plucking it off the shelf at Spencer’s, but in reality it tastes like saccharine and makes a sticky mess of everything. And now, many years later, it’s a congealed glob, to boot. But it’s probably better than the chocolate-flavored sex powder…

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Haha! I’ve got some chocolate body butter that was given as a wedding gift that probably tastes like melted crayons.

      Reply
  12. harveylisam

    Amazing. Also my 38-year-old roomie came home after a surprise trampoline date and she was also lamenting how her back was hurting and she didn’t realize how old it made her feel hahaha.

    Sounds like a pretty epic night, though! Nice wife-ing. 🙂

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      It’s all fun and games until someone gets a spinal injury.

      Reply
  13. Vanessa-Jane Chapman

    Fabulous, can you be my wife too? I mean I know Aussa already said she needs a wife like you, but notice the word “like” in there, I want ACTUALLY you.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Highest bidder wins.

      Reply
  14. Kate @ Did That Just Happen?

    I want friends that will dress up in Cosplay!!! What an awesome birthday!!! Well done, well done!!

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I have awesome friends. I’m lucky like that.

      Reply
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  16. brickhousechick

    This is so great! How fun and creative! Did you make him any dishes like rice and beans or fried plantains! My faves. 🙂

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      We eat enough rice and beans. Too much.
      And I’ve never learned to make fried plantains. I need to learn!

      Reply
  17. andreasnr32

    haha that’s hilarious

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I try 🙂

      Reply
  18. Alanna

    You plan a badass party. I definitely want to go to a trampoline center right now

    Reply
  19. bluntbitchhh

    I nominated you for the Lovely Blogger Award 🙂 http://bluntbitchhh.wordpress.com/2014/11/11/the-lovely-blogger-award/

    Reply
  20. lisermarie2013

    I just said to myself “self, you have to show this to your nerdy boyfriend” but then I thought about it for a second and then said “self, never show this to your boyfriend because you can never be as good a significant other as this and his expectations will grow too high.”

    This is amazing! Are there party planning award ceremonies? There should be. You should win every category. And you should also plan the after-party. I’m jealous of your mad skills.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Thanks! It all turned out perfectly but was a lot of work planning.
      Just have to remember that the payoff outweighs the stress of it.

      Reply
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