I hate to toot my own horn but TOOT TOOT MOTHER FUCKERS, I plan the best parties. A few months ago I starting planning for my husband’s 30th birthday weekend. It needed to be nostalgic, retro, and 80’s. I wanted him to feel like a kid again. Turning 30 messes with your head (EVIDENCE: The below F.R.I.E.N.D.S video) and I wanted him to have a night of carefree fun rather than sobbing tears into cake.
And so I put on my invisible party-planning-goddess hat and got to work. Sure, it was a bit over the top but that’s how I roll and it’s what my hard working, amazing husband deserved. We strive for our marriage to always be fun and unique and his 30th birthday would be no different.
I had planned to blindfold the birthday boy and then realized last minute that I didn’t own a blindfold. I could have sworn that a kinky aunt had gifted one to me at my bridal shower last year so I raided the sex drawer which should really be called the-cheesey-erotica-collection-we’ll-never-use-drawer. Glow in the dark sex dice seemed like such a good idea at the time…
I failed to find any type of blindfold so I found a piece of fabric, ripped it, and covered my husband’s eyes. I then drove him to location #1… an indoor trampoline park.
Everyone had a blast on the trampolines. We continued jumping for an hour until all 18 guests realized they were old as Queen Elizabeth II.
“My legs are jello!” “My back hurts!”
It was at that moment I thought it would have been a brilliant idea to give away Bengay and Icy Hot as party favors. We then walked over to the party room and stuffed ourselves full of pizza and cake. It made us forget about our arthritic limbs for a good half hour.
Next, it was onto the second and final location. I re-blindfolded the spouse and drove him to my friend’s home which I had decorated earlier with a space invaders theme and all his favorite toys from his childhood.
And so he took off his blindfold and not only was my comic-book-geek of a husband greeted with vintage toys and tons of booze but also, some of his friends dressed in 80s-esque cosplay.
To say he was excited is an understatement. He loved it like Hilary Clinton loves pant suits.
We wore 80’s glasses, Space Invaders beads, posed with a giant Zach Morris phone, and of course ate some pretty creative party food.
We drank mixed drinks which we called Ectoplasm and Bill Murray. I also had a friend make a ton of jello shots, one of which he called a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
I may have had a few jello shots, OKAY TEN, and danced around to 80s hits like Thriller and Jesse’s Girl. Best of all, with an abundance of retro toys laying around, a Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em robots tournament commenced.
“Let’s never sleep!” my cousin and I hollered outloud while we shook our rumps and waved glowsticks in the air like intoxicated fireflies.
But alas, at 3am we finally passed out. Our bellies full of Bill Murray and Spiderman gummi’s. It was a party to remember and the only way I could have visioned celebrating such a milestone.
So to my spouse I say Happy 30th Birthday!!! You get better with age. Seriously, you’re like a hispanic Jon Hamm and I dig it. Don’t worry, I don’t expect you to be nearly as creative when my 30th rolls around in a year and a half. Just save up for Vegas and don’t get weirded out when I request we get our vows renewed by Elvis in a speedo.