Fits of Wit

Santa wants his D in my V

Today I was eye raped by Santa Claus.

I went to the mall like I always do on my lunch break. I don’t always buy shit. Usually I just like to get out of the office for an hour and the mall happens to be right behind my workplace. I thought I’d walk by Santa’s workshop to check it out but instead, Santa ended up checking me out.

A reenactment

A reenactment

Kris Kringle¬†waved and did a full up-and-down scan of my body. From the top of my head, down to my feet, back up to my face. Then, he winked at me. I’m sure if my husband were to dress up as Santa and do the same I’d be all about jingling his balls but when it comes to a mall Santa who happens to be a stranger, it’s quite disturbing.

I hightailed it away from Kris Kringle’s dingle but couldn’t help from wondering if Santa didn’t so closely resemble my grandfather, would I have been flattered? Take away the age, beard, but keep on that sexy, fluffy, red pimp outfit and maybe I’d have gone for it.

If Santa had looked like Jonathan Taylor Thomas this story would have completely gone a different way.

My pretend boyfriend through middle school

My pretend boyfriend through middle school

But alas, Mall Santa was not a young JTT and I will now avoid that area of the mall and associate it with feelings of creepiness. Some might feel bad that mall Santa feels the need to wink at females but I’m pretty sure he’ll find some Christmas fetish chick who appreciates a good ol’ St. Nick side eye.

So to the mall Santa… I say no to your non-verbal sex proposal but encourage you to keep trying. This time of year is full of single mothers who I’m sure would love to take a ride on your North Pole. Just make sure you keeps condoms in your sac.

Happy Hoe-lidays

Happy Hoe-lidays

 

20 Comments

  1. sourgirlohio

    Ew. Santa should control that until his shift is over. Santa has always creeped me out, but then, I’m Jewish, so he’s probably supposed to.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Well apparently this Santa believes in the YOLO philosophy.

      Reply
  2. Kate @ Did That Just Happen?

    I hate the feeling of violation! Here’s to a hot shower later!

    Reply
  3. Alanna

    Haha, wow. Talk about a total assassination of any child-like wonder. (Here’s hoping no kids had to sit on his lap after that)

    Reply
  4. Jess R.

    hahaha I just died. I would have run away in fear.

    Reply
  5. Mike G.

    Give the fat jolly elf a break. He spends the entire Xmas season with little kids on his lap. And as long as he’s not a pedophile it’s all good. Let’s face it the biggest night of his year is doing what? I’ll tell you: looking at 8 reindeer assholes and when he gets to come, it’s down the chimney.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Haha! Reindeer assholes.

      Reply
  6. Kevin

    At least Santa had some good taste! Boo Ya!

    Reply
  7. harveylisam

    So, I’m torn between being amused and being disgusted. There’s something so violating about men looking at you like that. Ugh. Gross.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I feel the same. Disgusted yet it makes for an entertaining story.

      Reply
  8. pieterk515

    I’ve liked, but I didn’t imply that I like the fact that you have been raped by that paedophile in red. Santa has always liked kids a tad too much.

    Reply
  9. Mark Petruska

    So you’re saying the jolly fat guy wanted to come down your chimney, eh?

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Yeah, I guess thats exactly what I’m saying.

      Reply
  10. brickhousechick

    LOL and ew! Sicko Santa!

    Reply
  11. ~Lisa~

    lmaooo at Santa. P.S. how did you add the offbeat home and life link to the feature on. I have yet to figure it out. I can add gallery, add pic but not the link to my article…? Help….I may go sit on santas lap, single life is so uneventful.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Go to Appearance – Widgets – Image.
      Add the image under Image URL and add the Link under Link URL.
      Good luck!

      Reply
      1. ~Lisa~

        Thank you. I am really wordpress dumb….lol

        Reply
  12. idiotprufs

    Gives a new definition to the phrase “naughty or nice.”

    Reply
  13. naptimethoughts

    Why didn’t I get this? This is hysterical, I could’ve used this in my mailbox.
    When I was… Eh, about 20 or so, skinny, hot, and juuuuust old enough to be legal, my best friend and I went and sat on Santas lap for shits and giggles one year. We did it for a lark, but I wasn’t expecting the lark’s beak rubbing against my leg. *Shudder*. Okay, well, it’s off to the therapist for me, have a lovely day.

    Reply
  14. Pingback: Sisterhood of the World Bloggers |

Leave a Reply

Follow

Get the latest posts delivered to your mailbox:

%d bloggers like this: