Today I was eye raped by Santa Claus.
I went to the mall like I always do on my lunch break. I don’t always buy shit. Usually I just like to get out of the office for an hour and the mall happens to be right behind my workplace. I thought I’d walk by Santa’s workshop to check it out but instead, Santa ended up checking me out.
Kris Kringle waved and did a full up-and-down scan of my body. From the top of my head, down to my feet, back up to my face. Then, he winked at me. I’m sure if my husband were to dress up as Santa and do the same I’d be all about jingling his balls but when it comes to a mall Santa who happens to be a stranger, it’s quite disturbing.
I hightailed it away from Kris Kringle’s dingle but couldn’t help from wondering if Santa didn’t so closely resemble my grandfather, would I have been flattered? Take away the age, beard, but keep on that sexy, fluffy, red pimp outfit and maybe I’d have gone for it.
If Santa had looked like Jonathan Taylor Thomas this story would have completely gone a different way.
But alas, Mall Santa was not a young JTT and I will now avoid that area of the mall and associate it with feelings of creepiness. Some might feel bad that mall Santa feels the need to wink at females but I’m pretty sure he’ll find some Christmas fetish chick who appreciates a good ol’ St. Nick side eye.
So to the mall Santa… I say no to your non-verbal sex proposal but encourage you to keep trying. This time of year is full of single mothers who I’m sure would love to take a ride on your North Pole. Just make sure you keeps condoms in your sac.