Fits of Wit

Whore Next Door

Weekend mornings are for sex.This may not be the case for every couple but for my husband and I who both work 8-5 Monday through Friday, it’s a ritual. On weekdays, after-work sex is occasionally welcomed but it’s sometimes rushed as we’re anxious to go workout, write, or perform other obligatory adult responsibilities after. Weekend fornicating is where it’s at because not only are we already elated that we got to sleep in, but nothing is better than starting your day with fucking the one you love.

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This needs to be made into a t-shirt.

This past weekend was no different. Saturday morning came (pun intended) and the knocking of boots commenced in our marital bed. After the um… grand finale, I heard a sound coming from the other side of the wall. We live in a townhouse so sounds aren’t uncommon but it’s not often we encounter them.

“Shhhh… did you hear that?” I asked.

My husband and I silenced ourselves and listened.

“OOOOhhhhh ooooooo ah ah ah ah!” wailed from the other side of the wall.

That’s when I realized the most disturbing, disgusting, uncomfortable thing had happened. We were having sex the same time our neighbors were having sex with nothing but a thin wall between us.

“Ewww gross!” I yelled “WE WERE BASICALLY HAVING AN ORGY!”

“You’re overreacting, Jamie.” my husband responded “It’s kind of funny.”

I didn’t find it funny at the time. Maybe orgasming makes me sensitive but I needed reassurance that I wasn’t crazy for feeling so violated. I got dressed and left the room to go downstairs and grab my cell phone. I texted my friends the story of what happened hoping that they’d feel the same way. If they discovered their neighbors were playing hide the pickle just a few feet away at the exact same time they were, would they not feel a bit creeped out?!

Rather than receiving validation for my woeful morning I received this text back instead…

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Best friends keep it real. Too real.

After reading the above text I gagged. It was bad enough knowing that my neighbors and I shared a love of punani pounding on Saturday mornings. NOW I was paranoid that the reason they decided to play stuff the turkey was because they heard us doing it first, which got them in the mood.

*insert dry heaving followed by violent vomiting*

I haven’t seen my neighbors since the incident. I don’t know if I’m overthinking things. Maybe they didn’t hear us at all. What I do know is that I sure as hell heard them and it’s something I will never forget or be okay with. Sharing walls is like sharing a lollipop… socially awkward and too close for comfort.

*** Have you had an embarrassing, annoying, or scary experience sharing walls with a neighbor? Share your story below.

Want to read even MORE about my salacious neighbor? This follow-up to this post is here!

32 Comments

  1. Vanessa-Jane Chapman

    I live in a detached house 🙂 I don’t think there’s ever a good time to hear the neighbors at it, but I don’t see anything worse about it being at the same time as you I’m afraid!

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I’ve never wanted a single family home so badly…

      Reply
  2. Mike G.

    Where to begin, where to begin, where to begin?

    Okay, Jamie, to answer your question about encountering neighbors etc., we also live in a detached house–have since 1990. In the early days i did co-habit a group house with 5 bedrooms. That’s 4 roommates and their significant others. We were in our mid-20s so shame was not really much of a factor. I could go into dorm life but I won’t. Not because this is a family friendly website (it ain’t), but because there’s not enough space and it was 1980 and memory fades.

    Now on to 2 thoughts that might send you careening to the nearest toilet or wastebasket to hurl anew.

    1. Have you ever listened to call-in radio shows? If you have then you know from time to time the hosts will admonish their listeners to turn down or turn off their radios while they are on the phone because of the 7 second delay. It causes a reverb or echo and can confuse the caller. Well, what if your neighbors were NOT having sex? What if they had been mortified by your zesty sessions one too many times and decided to tape you in the midst of passion and played it back to you on their own 7 second delay?

    2. And this is worse. What if the wife next door was still asleep and what you heard was Mr. Whore Next Door rubbing one out whole you guys got nasty on bed?

    You’re welcome.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Your comments never disappoint, Mike!
      I too experienced dorm/college life and that’s a totally different ball park. Rules, manners, and etiquette do not apply to 18-22 year olds away from home, YOLOing until the cows come home. At college I saw people have sex ON THE DANCE FLOOR AT PARTIES among other public places. It was for some reason excused then.
      No no… This story is me as a somewhat mature adult trying to enjoy weekend married lovemaking in a home we own without hearing my neighbor neigh like a horse.

      Reply
      1. Mike G.

        Would love your response to my 2 alternative hypotheses.

        Reply
        1. FitsofWit

          Ah, yes. Well…
          #1. I doubt that was it. You see, my neighbor just recently started dating this dude like, three months ago. That’s when I started hearing her banging him but usually only on week day mornings. I’d be up walking around getting ready for work so I didn’t hear it so clearly but I knew what was going on. So to answer your question. .. If I had never heard her having sex before I MAY think that would be possible but since she’s been playing smash smash nonstop for the past 3 months the odds are higher that she actually was fucking.
          #2. I heard both male and female moans. Unless he gets really high pitched and can sound like both sexes than maybe. I’m going to go throw up again, thanks.

          Reply
  3. Queen Sylvia

    For the love of God, have I now? I lived in a dorm for four years during my university years, and buh-lieve me when I say there was a lot of action going on – some of which scarred me for life. But it was far more disgusting than hearing someone else have sex right after you had sex – yes, there are things more horrible than that, like when your crazy roommate who has no boundaries at all has sex with her boyfriend on the other bed under just a blanket, and isn’t afraid to moan out loud saying he’s a dirty, dirty man. I don’t think I ever got over this. Maybe it was because of the fact she and he both were around 200 lbs and it sounded like seal’s clapping, or because the blanket came down at some point and to my horror I got a sneak peak of some ass-action mirrored in the window next to my bed. So yeah, I lived through some terrible stuff in dorm. Just be cool, maybe this thing will blow over some day.
    P.S. Have my condolences about your unpleasant experience.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Lmao. We’re all in this together. We can get through the trauma with time.

      Reply
      1. Queen Sylvia

        I barely (pun intended) notice it anymore. Your psyche turns to steel with time, and ‘EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW’ moments.

        Reply
  4. Spoken Like A True Nut

    A buddy of mine used to live in a building with super thin walls, and in the mornings he would frequently hear the couple next door banging away while he was eating his breakfast. When the couple was done, they would both proceed into the bathroom, where my friend could hear two things happening simultaneously:

    1. Someone taking a shower.
    2. Someone throwing up violently into the toilet.

    Every. Time.
    Which always made me wonder, did Screwy McSpew have a genuine medical reason for these post-ravishing retchings, or was the sex really just that bad?

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      OMG.
      I’ll stick with my neighbors, thanks.

      Reply
  5. Grief Happens

    Yeah that’s pretty disturbing. I miss Saturday morning sex — hard to keep that ritual going now that we have little ones barging in at 6am. My friend texted me last Sunday around 2pm & said her family was enjoying the beautiful weather when all of a sudden they heard primal moaning from their next door neighbors’ house. She was disturbed but I say good for everyone getting their weekend groove on!

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Yeah. We’re enjoying time with just the two of us because I’m sure one day if we have munchkins, Saturday sex will not be so much.

      Reply
  6. Mark Petruska

    That would be a turn-on for me, but then again, I march to the tune of a different drummer.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Maybe if my neighbors were attractive but ummmm, no. Plus it would be different if I heard strangers in a hotel room. These are people I have to see on the regular when I take out the recycling.

      Reply
      1. Mark Petruska

        OK, now you’ve ruined *that* for me…

        Reply
  7. metkaf

    I used to live in an apartment, on the second floor. The down stairs apartment bedroom (or sex making room) was right below my living room. I know this because every now and then I would be watching TV and suddenly I would hear through the floor “Fuckmefuckmefuckmefuckme… Right there! Oh God! Don’t Stop! Oh Goooooooood… I never met those neighbors. The top floor apartments led out to a different parking lot than the lower level ones. And for that I am grateful.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Thanks for sharing. Really when you think about it, all rooms at one point in a house’s existence have probably been sex making rooms. Creepy.

      Reply
  8. George

    Ever think about inviting your neighbors over for sausage and peppers and see where the conversation takes you?

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I can honestly say I’ve never thought about that.

      Reply
  9. dysphoriangrey

    Where does our resiliency go? I once received a standing ovation for what I thought was private sex. Turns out the condos across from the quiet building roof we were on had been finished unbeknownst to me and there was a whole housewarming party the distance of an alleys width away from us… So like, no more than 15 feet, in a floor to ceiling bay window. I’ve had sex in the same room where other couples (plural) were having sex. Yet, now as an over 30 adult who is still a little on the freaky side I think that these things would crush the mood for me. However, as a male I don;t have the slightest issue with other people having sex on the other side of a wall from me. I mean, I can’t see them and nothing they are doing is going to affect or touch me. What would I care? Just saying, it isn’t like there is anything passing through other than sound. Maybe you could up your game, put on some music and have your man bang you against the wall?

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Bay windows. So unforgiving.

      Reply
  10. dysphoriangrey

    I wasn’t seeking forgiveness from the crowd that’s for sure, my partner on the other hand wasn’t so pleased when I took a bow… in order to grab my clothes and dash. Her still not realizing that we had an audience and me not giving her a heads up. I can still remember her saying: “Hey, where are you… OH WHAT THE FUCK!”
    On the up side I rocked her world and we laughed about it afterward.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      It gave you a great story! Thanks for sharing.

      Reply
  11. dysphoriangrey

    To be young and completely without hang-ups or shame… Buck naked on a 10 story building in a major metropolitan city in the summertime. Who am I kidding? I would do that right now. Have a good night and thank-you for the blog it is inspiring.

    Reply
  12. JunkChuck

    Am I the only one who thinks this is awesome–all that positive energy, banging and clanging. More sex would do us all some good. If we could just get a few of those conservatives laid, the world would be a much better place.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I am all about the positive energy and am happy for my neighbor who seemed lonely before she found her new fuck toy. But I’d rather it not be the same time as me. I should knock on her door and we can work out a fuck schedule.

      Reply
  13. pieterk515

    My suggestion, do what we did: Buy a bigger place…preferably a house. Now we only have to watch out for the random kid who might walk into the room…

    Reply
  14. Pingback: Whore Next Door: Part Two | Fits of Wit

  15. DitchTheBun

    What are all you people doing having sex first thing in the morning?! Personally I am not kissing, licking, sucking or fucking anything before my morning teeth brushing and a coffee 🙂 Man I feel like such an old maid right now. To be fair though Hubster and I are both night owls so it is more likely we would wake you up in the middle of the night hahaha.
    While we are building our house we are living with my parents so we are pretty quiet, they recently went away for the weekend so the mute button was turned off and we had an awesome long session. After we were done we could hear whistling and yelling, our house has a walkway up the side of it and some drunk guys had obviously been walking by and decided to hang out to listen to our symphony of moans. I do not want to think of what 3 (approximated based on the number of voices we heard) drunk dudes did together in an alley listening to sex sounds.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Bahaha. I guess you put on a good show. I would be absolutely mortified.

      Reply
      1. DitchTheBun

        I guess so… not exactly something I was hoping to be applauded for in life, but hey… live and learn. Next time we will make sure the windows are closed. Good thing we have a high fence and the curtains were closed hahaha.

        Reply

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