Fits of Wit

Turn Noun For WHAT?! Bacon Edition.

I’ve been asked by fellow blogger Jessie Reyna  if I’d like to participate in her writing experiment called Turn Noun For WHAT?!

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You can read more about her writing experiment here. She had a group of bloggers each choose three nouns and then selected one using a random number generator. Whichever noun was the “chosen one” would be the subject of a blog post for all of us. The chosen word was Bacon.


I feel like the least qualified person to write about bacon because I don’t eat it. Mostly because when I look at it, this is what I see.

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I also don’t eat chicken, turkey, beef, or any other land animal for that matter. When it comes to surf and turf I eat the surf only. I’m a hypocrite, I know. Why do I assume land animals have more feelings than water dwellers? Why do I look at a hamburger and feel disgust and then look at a crab cake right after and drool? I’m getting off track. This post is supposed to be about bacon. Greasy, crispy, fatty bacon. Here’s what I DO remember about consuming those meaty strips of Winnie the Pooh’s bff…

When I was in college bacon cured any hangover. It didn’t matter if I’d been dancing the night away to Hollaback Girl (for some reason that song was the shit in 2006), or blacking out in the hallway; Bacon was the anecdote to the poison that is Southern Comfort.

I’d arise after a night full of binge drinking, unable to move. It wasn’t that my body wouldn’t allow it but my mind was all like “Bitch, if you get up out of this bed I’ll make your head hurt with the power of 37 atomic bombs!”

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I would change out of my pajama pants into slightly less dirty pajama pants and force myself to walk to the cafeteria. As soon as I got a whiff of the orgasmic bacon musk, I already started to feel better. Now that I think about it, just the smell alone was 80% of the healing power of the bacon. I should have mashed a few pieces up and slept with it on my chest. Bacon: the Vicks Vapor Rub of the meat world.

Walking up to the line of breakfast foods was always exciting, yet intimidating. There were cafeteria ladies who were required to portion our desired food onto the plate. We didn’t get along. Why not? Because while every other student strolled up to the line with their plate asking for a variety of eggs, fruit, and meats, I used a bowl.

“You want fruit in that?” the cafeteria lady asked.

“No.” I snapped mid-yawn. “I want bacon. Just a bowl full of bacon.”

This was usually followed with an eyeroll but ultimately who could deny me my right to eat five pounds of bacon? No one. That’s who.

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I’d pair my fancy meat bowl with a cup of coffee and sit down to eat. Piece after piece disappeared down my gullet. With each strip of crispy pork I felt like a new woman. Who needed multivitamins when there was bacon?

I repeated this tradition every weekend. In a way, bacon saved me. Sure, I gained weight but I lost the hangover.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a physician. Drinking a 12 pack of beer should not be followed with 12 pounds of bacon. Side effects of too much bacon may include high cholesterol, weight gain, turning into a pig yourself, adopting the nickname “Greasy Pete,” building a bacon girlfriend, eating your bacon girlfriend, consistently smelling like a Bob Evans, and death.

Visit the below bloggers also participating in today’s Turn Noun for WHAT?!

Jessie Janelle Reyna

Angst Anarchy

Ben’s Bitter Blog

White Girls Be Like…

Endearingly Wacko

16 Comments

  1. Mike G.

    Sweet. Of course I was only a little disappointed you didn’t mention the bacon encrusted pizza being offered by your favorite national pizza (?) chain, Little Caesar. As the tag line says, “It’s all perfectly legal.”

    Reply
  2. FitsofWit

    Worst. Tag line. Ever.

    Reply
  3. White Girls Be Like

    I used to do the same thing to my campus cafeteria people. Luckily they were mostly all other students so I could bribe them with homework help for more bacon. (Also, the “Avada Kabacon” gif is hilarious, I laughed really loud in the middle of class)

    Reply
  4. FitsofWit

    I also enjoy the Snape meme where he’s yelling “Asparagus!!!”

    Reply
  5. Jessie Reyna

    Now that I see that cute adorable baby pig, I feel like a monster. But I’ll probably forget about it next time my boyfriend sizzles up the bacon.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      No judgement. Enjoy your bacon. Sop that bitch in maple syrup and go down to ham town.

      Reply
  6. Mark Petruska

    “It’s okay to eat fish ’cause they don’t have any feelings.” ~ K. Cobain.

    Keep on keeping on. Nirvana’s frontman says so!

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I’ve never been a religious person but now I realize it’s because I belong to the Nirvana faith.
      Thank you.

      Reply
  7. kdcol

    My hangover remedy back in the day: Domino’s pepperoni and black olives pizza with a Diet Coke. It’s the only thing I could tolerate. Now it’s more Advil, Sprite, and good old fashioned avoidance. I’m gettin old, what can I say?

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Mine cure is now scrambled eggs and toast. Though a black olive pizza sounds delish.

      Reply
  8. Annie Emmy Evans

    Bwahahahaha! I love this. Bacon IS the Vicks Vapor Rub of the Meat World. True story. Also? Your disclaimer? Truly fantastic.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I should write the side effects portion of Cialis commercials. Oh the fun I could have.

      Reply
      1. Annie Emmy Evans

        YESSSS… That would be fantastic.

        Reply
  9. kriskkaria

    Now, I’ve read two great stories about bacon. I’m narrating Bitter Ben’s story for my podcast. Can I narrate yours, too? Here is a link to my podcast so you know what to expect, http://kriskkaria.podbean.com/

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Sure thing! 🙂

      Reply
      1. kriskkaria

        Your bacon edition is narrated and uploaded to my podcast, http://kriskkaria.podbean.com/. Thanks for allowing me to narrate it!

        Reply

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