Fits of Wit

Whore Next Door: Part Two

There has been a new development in my Whore Next Door story.

Previously I told the tale of my neighbor having loud sex every Saturday and Sunday with her new boyfriend, which happened to intertwine with MY sexy time. Well, the sounds have continued and I’ve learned to live with it for the most part. That is, until yesterday. With Spring in full swing and temperatures rising above 70 degrees, my neighbor has now opened up all the windows in her home.

Yesterday my husband went to visit a family member and upon his return around 7pm walked in with a sickened look upon his face.

“Um, I can hear our neighbor’s sex screams from outside. Her windows are open.”

I stepped outside and sure enough heard the undeniable moans of her making the beast with two backs. What used to be sounds only her next door neighbors could hear, are now sounds that echo throughout our neighborhood. I wrote the following status on Facebook to gather further opinions on the topic.

wpid-img_20150503_200652.jpg

I got several responses. None of which were helpful and were mostly blind jokes.

Thanks for the laughs but mostly, thanks for nothing.

Thanks for the laughs but mostly, thanks for nothing.

My husband and I then spent the next hour discussing our options.

Option 1

Politely walk over and knock on her door. Say something like “Hello, I just wanted to let you know your windows are open and we can hear you from outside.” She would hopefully get the point without getting into gory details and close her windows the next time her and her man decide to hit the skins.

Option 1 Drawback

In my six years of living next door, I’ve never once talked to my neighbor. We know of each others existence but I really don’t know what we’d discuss. Therefore, I don’t want the first time I ever talk to her to be the topic of me bringing up her sexcapades. My saintly husband has offered to help her carry bags in the past and checked on her once when her front door was wide open. So now that they’ve broke the ice, maybe I’ll volunteer him as tribute.

NOTE: All ideas are downhill from here…

Option 2

My mister suggested that the next time the neighbors are laying the pipe, we could walk right up to their townhouse and scream “WE HEAR YOUUU!!!” We would then of course scurry away like mischievous rodents, no doubt giggling like school girls all the way home.

Option 2 Drawback

It doesn’t seem like the most mature plan. Then again, I don’t question it’s effectiveness.

Option 3

Spend a year learning braille. When we have mastered the art by next May, we will write her a strongly braille’d letter about the etiquette of sharing walls. This option can let us keep our anonymity (sort of), and would also expand our minds.

Option 3 Drawback

We would have to put up with another year of listening to my neighbors slam the clam. A small sacrifice to make for an idea so tedious and brilliant.

A strongly braille'd letter.

A strongly braille’d letter.

Option 4

Train my neighbor Pavlov style. Every time she’s getting too loud, set off an airhorn on the other side of the wall. This will instantly startle the couple midcoitis and when they continue they will no doubt quiet down. Each time they start getting atrociously loud again, blow the airhorn. Eventually they’ll learn to always be quiet. And also fear airhorns.

Option 4 Drawback

My husband and I may eventually go deaf from all the airhorn usage. Now that I think about it, us going deaf could be another solution to our problem…

Option 5

Move.

Option 5 Drawback

While we are planning on moving in the next few years, at the moment we’re trying to pay things off and improve my credit. Trying to find a place with our current budget would likely result in another townhome, possibly with even worse neighbors. I’d rather be forced to listen to the sound of dick slapping than live next door to a meth lab full of billy goats.

* I encourage any and all other creative solutions to our neighbor problem in the comments below. Help us be the heros of the community. How would you resolve to softening your neighbors very public four-legged foxtrot?

53 Comments

  1. sourgirlohio

    Option 2.

    Reply
  2. thegentlemanatlarge

    Always a tricky spot. I’ve had luck changing my wifi network name to WeCanHearYouHavingSex, but again, blind. I’m not really sure how that works. Good luck in your dilemma.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I love a good wifi burn.
      But yeah… that unfortunately wouldn’t work in this situation.

      Reply
  3. Mike G.

    So I feel sort of bad knowing what I now know (see comments to previous Whore Next Door post) given that you’ve brought up the Americans With Disabilities Act (ADA) angle to your problem.

    Short of having your ears sewn shut (definitely a last resort and not recommended with much conviction from New Jersey) you could simply forget about your neighbors and simply time your trips to the grocery store/church/library/assisted living facility to ride out the cacophonous sounds of your trollop of a neighbor.

    Another option would be to simply time your horizontal lambadas to match hers and do I it longer and scream louder.

    Finally, you could look for a deaf couple and move in next to them. I know this sounds wrong, but my friends familiar with the hearing impaired world say the sounds of the deaf playing hide the salami are worse than what you’ve encountered to date. Once you’ve experienced that you’ll be happy to move back home.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      This isn’t just for me. This is for the neighborhood. I’m trying to protect the children of summer here.

      I will never look at deaf couples the same way again, thanks.

      Reply
      1. Mike G.

        Yeah I get the altruism angle but let the children of summer take care of themselves.

        And you’re welcome. Agherrrr.

        Reply
  4. damzelindistress

    Oh god, i feel so bad for you. Im not sure if this was suggested, but you could go to the neighbors while they are at it, ring the doorbell and ask if everything is okay that you’ve heard screams and wanted to know if everything is okay that ye were worried and didn’t know whether to call the police just in case something more serious was happening?

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      OMG I LOVE this.

      Reply
      1. damzelindistress

        It should definitely work, cos shell feel really guilty and HOPEFULLY stop being so loud! Best of luck with it haha

        Reply
  5. Annie Emmy Evans

    I would TOTALLY do option 2… because she would never have to know it was you. Also, the airhorn thing could work because she’d be so horrified and embarrassed she’d probably fix it and never mention it ever again. I would think one time would do the trick. Unless she’s also partially deaf, which could be why she’s being so loud in the first place. Good grief… I don’t envy your position. Good luck with that…

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I don’t believe she’s hearing impaired. My husband has had one or two conversations with her and she seemed to carry on just fine.
      She is however apparently unaware of her ability to carry her voice all the way to Pluto.

      Reply
  6. idiotprufs

    Hire a sniper.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I’m not trying to go to jail sooooo…..

      Reply
  7. Satin Sheet Diva

    I guess I’m in awe that at 60 she’s got the lung capacity to moan so loudly (I can only hope for the same in 12 years when I too hit the magic 6-0); I’m also curious…why don’t you hear her partner? Is this a situation where she’s pleasuring herself and perhaps can’t hear herself over the hum of the device(s)?

    Oh, and my vote? Options 2 and 4. With #4, wear ear plugs, which may actually serve you best in the long run. 🙂

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Her boyfriend stays with her on the weekend and that’s when I always hear it. I guess he’s just quiet in the sack. I wonder if he himself wears earplugs during the deed because I can’t imagine having that horrifying volume right in your damn ear.

      Reply
      1. Satin Sheet Diva

        LOL!! Could be he’s as old if not older and may have a hearing problem and that’s why she’s so loud? Either way it goes, I’m looking forward to the next installment – can’t wait to find out if you do the “we can hear you” and run deal ;-).

        Reply
  8. brickhousechick

    Ay, Dios Mio! Talk about awkward! Maybe she’s deaf and blind and can’t tell how loud she is. Kudos to her though at 60, having so much fun! This happened to us except that the neighbor screaming happened to be my sister-in-law! I told my brother-in-law that they may want to keep it down and they did. Then they moved. 🙂

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Yeah, I’m happy for her and everything. She lives alone so I assume before this guy she was rather lonely. It’s just that I wish her happiness would be a tad quieter.

      Reply
  9. H.E. ELLIS

    AIRHORN!!!! It’s not a subtle solution, but it sure sends a message.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Nothing makes a statement quite like an airhorn.

      Reply
  10. Spoken Like A True Nut

    Water balloons through the open window.

    If they catch you, just say they sounded like they could use some cooling down on a *snicker* HOT day.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I believe her windows have a screen over them. Other that that you get definate points for creativity.

      Reply
  11. irtfyblog

    I had neighbors who did the same thing and one day I ran into the husband and in a passing conversation told him that a person committed suicide in their apartment. Since they both were pretty superstitious, they moved out pretty quickly after that. Problem solved.

    But the sad reality is that she wants other people to hear her, so no matter what you do it’ll just make it worse because she’s deliberately making those noises. You just have to find a way to get her to want to move away on her own. 🙂

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      So you’re a believer that she gets off on people hearing her. Interesting. This story keeps getting more and more layered.

      Reply
      1. irtfyblog

        Any one who makes that much noise when they have sex wants people to know about it. And the fact that she opens her windows…well, that’s a dead give away. She’s not shy and she’s not embarrassed to let the world know she’s entertaining someone. Or in this case, being entertained.

        Reply
  12. The Little Red Head Who Could

    How has no one suggested a singing telegram? That’s the way to go. 🙂
    We did this with our HORRIBLE neighbors, and the song was something about not driving after you snort coke. It was cute, and shamed the f-ck out of those little brats.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Hahahaha!

      Reply
    2. DitchTheBun

      OMG this is hilarious!!! It needs to happen. You could call it, “about your screwing from me to you” 🙂

      Reply
  13. DitchTheBun

    I love all the ideas and find it hard to pick a favourite, although I have to say I LOVE the singing telegram idea in the comment above.
    I think you and Hubby should devise a score card and everytime you hear them having sex score them on it (make one of the marking sections noise) and pin it on their front door.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      OOOOoooo I LOVE the scorecard idea. Like we’re Olympic judges.

      Reply
      1. DitchTheBun

        Absolutely!

        Reply
  14. Queen Sylvia

    Option 2 is the sheit. Or that thing someone proposed about going to them and calling the police. I would however just call the police and tell them that my poor sixty blind nextdoor neighbour is probably getting killed or raped as I’m hearing her scream. A burst-in may solve this.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Calling the police seems a little extreme. I feel like they have better things to do. There are bigger crimes being committed than my neighbor’s howls of passion.

      Reply
      1. Queen Sylvia

        I meant it as a joke… I’ve never even once in my life called the police, and someone having loud sex is even outside any ‘call the police’ emergency list. I’m sorry if it sounded disrespectful to their work. But I still support option 2.

        Reply
  15. trillie

    I’d go for the airhorn. Wear proper ear protection of course.

    Reply
  16. thefoodandwinehedonist

    Take their noisiness as an open invitation to join them!! Then in the middle of it, say “Whoa, u guys are loud.”

    Of course you can skip the first part but whats the fun in that?

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      This is most definitely my least favorite suggestion.

      Reply
      1. trillie

        lol 😀

        Reply
      2. thefoodandwinehedonist

        I didn’t say it was a good one..

        Reply
  17. Anonymouse

    Pavlov connected the sound his bell ringing with a treat. If you blast the airhorn each time they have sex, they’ll eventually connect the soud of the airhorn with sex. Eventually, you’ll be able to blast the airhorn while they’re NOT having sex, and they will commence! You’re welcome!

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Yeah, I was thinking it MAY end up going the other way but I was staying optimistic.
      Thanks for the info!

      Reply
  18. Clever Girl

    First, see if she’s trying to compete with you. Next time you and the hubs get busy, double your pitch. Get really loud and then see if she gets louder. Then you’ll know she trying to outdo you. If that’s the case, get recordings of farm animals and add them to your own sounds. Try to one-up her. Add Godzilla sound effects followed purring kittens, then end it with pig noises. Oh, and toss a hoagie through her window. Works every time!

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Works every time, huh?

      Reply
  19. Ralph

    I should get together with other neighbours and once she has finished cheer and applaud. It worked when I was renting an apartment in a 14 floor tower block. 😀

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Ha! I do love a good team effort.

      Reply
  20. Joe Buonfiglio

    Damn! I gotta move to your neighborhood. Your hood has a hell of a lot more fun than mine!

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I am so over my neighborhood.
      I’m ready for a boring atmosphere full of barbeques and yard sales.

      Reply
  21. naptimethoughts

    When you’re blind, aren’t all your other senses heightened over time? So, she, of all people, ought to know how loud she is. Then again, she’s never seen how thin your walls are, or the actual proximity from her apartment to yours. OR she’s just really proud to be 60, blind, and still doin’ it. If I were 60 and blind, I’d be proud to be having loud monkey love.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Loud monkey love. THAT IS THE MOST ACCURATE DESCRIPTION YET.

      Reply
      1. naptimethoughts

        you’re welcome. It is a good visual, isn’t it?

        Reply
  22. Jonathan

    What you do is, go over when her BF isn’t there and confront her about it very prude like. But change your voice to sound like an old, nag that’s been smoking for 70 yrs. And douse yourself in baby powder so you smell like an old lady. Be stern and assertive. And say you live at such and such address, (not yours) and you can hear them even with your hearing aid off! And yada yada yada. Then leave, opposite your house, circle back around to your house, and take a shower. Then grab the pie you prepared earlier, go over and introduce yourself in your normal voice and normal perfume and give her the pie and she will bring up the “bad neighbor” and then take it from there.

    Or, just go with the applause and cheers during and after. Throw in a hefty, “Get it girl!” too.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      This idea is rather impressive. Minus me having to bake a pie. Bravo!

      Reply
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