Fits of Wit

Make A Baby With Me! Today!

Yesterday I was joking around with a coworker while slacking off being very productive at the office. As two friends who also work a mere three feet from one another, we often talk about about hypothetical situations.

“What would you do if an earthquake happened right now?”

OR

“If a polar bear walked into our office who do you think it would eat first?”

We’ve known each other for years so I suppose we’ve run out of normal things to discuss. Yesterday our conversation went something like this…

Her: “What do you think our baby would look like?”

Me: “It would be short with caramel skin and ginormous hips. It would also be a feminist since it’s parents are both women.”

THEN I decided to find out exactly what our child really would look like. I found the website makemebabies.com and my world was forever changed. It’s a free website where you upload a photo of yourself and your partner. It then generates an image of your child using bullshit “advanced face detection technology.” Below is the love child of my coworker Winnie and I.

Baby Jax Teller

Baby Jax Teller

Somehow our head tilt gene did not pass on to Baby Jax Teller. He is a one year old who apparently wears a motorcycle cut daily, and has women flock to him at the playground. Is that a giant poop in his diaper or an illegal firearm?

At this point I was hooked. I NEEDED TO KNOW WHAT MORE OF MY BABIES WOULD LOOK LIKE!!! IMPREGNATE ME, INTERNET!!!!!

I politely asked the internet to artificially sperminate me with Kevin Spacey’s seed next.

spacey

“I have no soul, but I’m gonna be HUGE on Broadway!”

I think the Space-meister and I make pretty attractive offspring but I can’t help but feel that Ginny Weasley is staring into my soul.

Then I thought, FUCK actors. I want someone who can SING! I want a child who will correct my octave vocal range during their nightly lullaby.

A gentleman and a scholar

A gentleman and a scholar

I’m not quite sure why the son of Susan Boyle and I is dressed like Captain Morgan. What I do know is that his resting bitch face is on point. #sassysailor

Since things were starting to get exciting, I decided to take a different approach. Being a runner myself, I pondered what it would be like to spawn with a gold medalist. Not only a gold medalist, but one from my home state, Maryland.

“Dominate me”

Turns out that if Olympic athlete Michael Phelps and I mated, I’d give birth to the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. One that bears a striking resemblance to Donald Trump and appears to enjoy being sexually dominated by women in rubber.

Just when I was about to text my husband the hilariousness of all of my pseudo bumping and grinding, I realized that I had not yet calculated what our little hatchling would look like. Although I’m not ready for a clone of my own, pretending is fun and time sucking. Behold! Baby FitsofWit!

Baby FitsofWit

Baby FitsofWit

WAIT A MINUTE! She looks awfully familiar…

creep babiesAccording to this side by side comparison, Baby Spacey would smile much more since she’s filthy rich. Baby FitsofWit looks concerned about her parents credit scores.

I am now slightly obsessed with makemebabies.com. I want nothing more than to pretend copulate with the masses! Feel free to use the below photo of me to reveal our love child. Or virtually blend your DNA with whomever your heart desires. Email the results to FitsofWit {at} gmail {dot} com. If I get enough photos I may do a follow-up post displaying our blushing babes.

FOW babiiieeeessssss

Don’t hit it and quit it! Find me at https://www.facebook.com/fitsofwit for even more hijinks!

19 Comments

  1. Mike G.

    All those Caucasian kids, really? Even with your co-worker and your husband? Looks like this website is secretly funded by the Aryan Brotherhood.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Mike, the site lets you choose if you want a boy or girl. For all of them I chose “either.”
      It then says it can auto-detect skin tone and that it’s 90% accurate. OR you can select light, dark, very dark, or asian. I chose to gamble on their 90% guarantee.

      Reply
  2. susielindau

    I thought they all looked pretty similar. You must have a strong gene pool. 🙂

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      According to makemebabies.com, even if I mated with an avocado, our baby would be pale and redheaded.

      Reply
  3. Vanessa-Jane Chapman

    These are hilarious, ok I’m going to do you and me and email it to you in a bit, but first a funny tale – years ago when my ex husband and I first got together (well he wasn’t my ex husband at the time, he was my pre-husband…or something), we went into a photo booth that did this too, as well as some other fun stuff. First of all we tried it, but clicked the wrong option on there, instead of the baby merge one, we accidentally picked the one where it puts you in front of some world famous attraction, so the first picture printed out of the two of us side by side smiling in front of Mount Rushmore. So we laughed at that and decided to try again, my ex wore glasses and in order to make sure he read the instructions properly this time he was kind of holding his glasses up above his eyes and squinting at the screen with his nose crumpled up, and it took his picture like that, so when it merged with mine it printed out a picture of the ugliest kid you ever saw. I’m still laughing now remembering it!

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Haha! I love randomly remembering things and chuckling out loud.

      Reply
  4. Mark Petruska

    This website sounds like a timesuck in the best way possible…

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      It really is. It’s like the Bermuda Triangle or something.

      Reply
  5. Holes in my socks

    LOL! That is hilarious..I am definitely trying this site out…I need to find out what my kid would look like if her mom was Taylor Swift lol

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Bahaha! Most celebs are already on the site to choose from. There was no Jon Hamm however which gave me a moment of sadness.

      Reply
      1. Holes in my socks

        lol…i am sure the sadness is felt by a lot more women also. Ok…I am sad too that Jon Hamm is not on there too lol.

        Reply
  6. Jessie Reyna

    Just sent you our baby….it’s interesting.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      I’m #dead. How?!!!

      Reply
      1. Jessie Reyna

        Something went wrong somewhere somehow.

        Reply
  7. michellestodden

    WOW do I make some homely looking babies on that site. Good thing my real-life kids are gorgeous.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      For the record, I LOVE our children. I adore our little cherub boy.

      Reply
  8. bensbitterblog

    Awesome. I finally have something to do at work!

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit

      Right?! It’s oddly addicting. I received quite a few emails today with my spawn (virtual Jamie gets around). Not to late to send me THE MOST BITTER BABY OF THEM ALL.

      Reply
      1. bensbitterblog

        Alright. I can’t resist.

        Reply

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