As silly as my husband and I act, we like to think of ourselves as responsible adults. We pay our bills, complain about teenagers, and try to eat healthy. We discuss how we’ll raise our future children and what vitamins we should be taking for our runner’s knees. But there’s one thing we always put off talking about. This one thing we’ve said a million times we need to plan for, just in case. That one thing? Death.
We’re both around the age of thirty and in good shape. But WHAT IF something happens? What would I do first if my spouse suddenly died? What would HE do (other than put on a cape and seek vengeance)? We need to discuss passwords to accounts, life insurance, and what our wishes are. We’ve tried talking about it but every single goddamn time we both start crying. Then we immediately decide to once again put off our morbid adult conversation and binge on Netflix and ice cream to cheer up.
Well, today I vowed to put it off NO MORE. Rather than discuss face to face, I decided to sit down and write a part of some plans after death, my wishes for my funeral. Hopefully it is actually 200 years away. I’m sure by then there will be alien medicine and things like head transplants. But it’s always good to be prepared.
Listed below are my unofficial funeral requests directed to my husband.
1.I have no religious preference. Don’t stress about the godly stuff. Or the Venue.
I don’t need my funeral in a church. Perhaps you could hold it in an old pretty building like where we got married, or in a garden surrounded by flowers. Or have all our guests accompany you on a run where you’re all wearing shirts with my face on it.
- Cremate me. So I can be even hotter in death than in life.
Cremate me, have the cremator put me in an artsy urn, and do what you will with my ashes. Don’t scatter them because I don’t want you to see me that way. Bury me inside my urn some place beautiful. It doesn’t have to be in a cemetery. It may be illegal to bury an urn with human remains other than in a legal cemetery plot but come on, that’s just another twisted adventure you and I can have together.
- I’d like my funeral to be a celebration of my life rather than a mourning of my death.
It’s natural and understandable that people will be sad. However, my funeral is KIND OF like my last party and I pride myself on my kick-ass parties. No one should wear black. Colorful, abundant patterns should be present at my funeral to uplift the mood and have everyone feeling confident. If I happen to ever pass away around the holidays, I expect everyone to dress in their best reds and greens. Obnoxious novelty antlers included.
- Tell tons of stories about me, especially the inappropriate ones.
No one wants to be known for their death but rather for all the memories and things they contributed to this world. Remember how I told you about that time I hit a school bus with my car? TELL THAT MOTHER FUCKING STORY. Remember when a friend and I tried on gummi underwear over our jeans? Preach that story and throw everyone in the audience a pack of their own gummi drawers. Okay, maybe don’t go quite that far. The point is I want to be remembered for my personality. That’s what makes us all unique snowflakes. Our stories and experiences are one of a kind and laughter all around will make the day a bit brighter.
- Serve all my favorite foods, even if they don’t quite go together.
Crab cakes. Popcorn. Swedish fish. Cheesecake. Coffee. Tiramasu. Ice cream. Cheesy Velveeta shells. Have a potluck so you don’t have to spend so much on food. Eat as much as you want. Bring Tums.
- Have a karaoke competition.
Songs should include anything from 70’s rock, to boy bands of the early 00’s. Eminem should also be included and extra points to anyone who sings Superman. DON’T STOP BELIEVIN’ BY JOURNEY WILL BE BANNED. IF ANYONE REQUESTS IT OMFG I WILL HAUNT THEIR ASSES. Not cool.
- Lastly, after the funeral, take a vacation.
Get out of the house for a few days to take a breather. Maybe take a few of our close friends so you all can gain some clarity in a gorgeous part of the world. Find an exotic beach with crystal clear water and remember that there is still so much left to experience and explore. Just because I’m gone doesn’t mean you have to stop living life to the fullest.