According to media outlets, Playboy will no longer feature nudes in the magazine and there are several naysayers unhappy with this decision. I suppose most of the naysayers are hipsters who prefer viewing ass in print rather than on a computer screen.
“Her curves were made for #3 grade heavy gloss paper!” they scream while shaking their skinny-soy-kale-shit-lattes at the sky.
Others are saying that Playboy is NOTHING without fully nude women. I know that’s not true. My husband, for example, has a Playboy magazine from his college years nestled away in our home office. It was passed down to him through his fraternity so to him, his Playboy magazine is a trip down
mammary memory lane. Surely he uses it for no other purpose than to reminisce and to read the educational articles, right? PLEASE SAY I’M RIGHT!
Back to the point, Hef. I applaud and support your decision to cover up the vag and booty. You’re trying to clean up the Playboy image and I completely understand. I should mention, however, that a Playboy rep stated “no nipples” will be shown, but that scantily clad women will still be a staple of the magazine. I presume this means more class than ass. Tasteful pasties will dance across bosoms and bikini bottoms will hide blushing bushes that once ran rampant across the pages.
I also speculate this means you’ll be looking for new faces to grace the centerfolds. As our society becomes more politically correct, you’ll eventually have to do away with 18 year-old naughty school girls. The word SHAMING is tossed around these days like a dildo and if your goal in this transition is to appeal to a larger audience, you’ll have to include models of every age, size, and race.
“Where the hell will I find average looking models?!” you cry while likely soaking in a tub of formaldehyde.
Well good news! I am a willing and more importantly, READY volunteer.
Hear me out, Hef. I am that oh-so-relatable woman you’ve been seeking. I work full-time in an office, am an avid reader, writer, and jogger. With autumn upon us I shave maybe, twice a month. I am a master of omelets, smoke cigars, and once kicked a doctor in the dick for making my brother cry. Granted, I was four years-old at the time, but I was a budding feminist nonetheless. I am now 29 and wear fucking adult braces. To say I’m in no way intimidating to men OR women is an understatement. Most important of all, I am fluffy AND sexy.
Let me help you. Put your trust in the
paws palm of my hand. This is your first step of redemption on a long road of correcting the sexist wrong-ness of the Playboy empire.
Just kidding. We all know Playboy will remain skeevy but that’s why we like it. Censorship or not, your legacy will never be saintly but that’s what makes you, well you. A sincere good luck on your venture to making Playboy less McDonald’s and more Chipotle with extra guac. Oh, and if you ever need a writer (or ridiculous model), you know where to find me.