Fits of Wit

An Open Letter To Hugh Hefner About The New Face Of Playboy

Dear Hugh,

According to media outlets, Playboy will no longer feature nudes in the magazine and there are several naysayers unhappy with this decision. I suppose most of the naysayers are hipsters who prefer viewing ass in print rather than on a computer screen.

“Her curves were made for #3 grade heavy gloss paper!” they scream while shaking their skinny-soy-kale-shit-lattes at the sky.

Others are saying that Playboy is NOTHING without fully nude women. I know that’s not true. My husband, for example, has a Playboy magazine from his college years nestled away in our home office. It was passed down to him through his fraternity so to him, his Playboy magazine is a trip down mammary memory lane. Surely he uses it for no other purpose than to reminisce and to read the educational articles, right? PLEASE SAY I’M RIGHT!

Me: Who IS this? Husband: It's Tiffany! You don't remember Tiffany? She sang at malls...

Me: Who IS this? Husband: It’s Tiffany! You don’t remember Tiffany? She sang at malls…

Back to the point, Hef. I applaud and support your decision to cover up the vag and booty. You’re trying to clean up the Playboy image and I completely understand. I should mention, however, that a Playboy rep stated “no nipples” will be shown, but that scantily clad women will still be a staple of the magazine. I presume this means more class than ass. Tasteful pasties will dance across bosoms and bikini bottoms will hide blushing bushes that once ran rampant across the pages.

I also speculate this means you’ll be looking for new faces to grace the centerfolds. As our society becomes more politically correct, you’ll eventually have to do away with 18 year-old naughty school girls. The word SHAMING is tossed around these days like a dildo and if your goal in this transition is to appeal to a larger audience, you’ll have to include models of every age, size, and race.

“Where the hell will I find average looking models?!” you cry while likely soaking in a tub of formaldehyde.

Well good news! I am a willing and more importantly, READY volunteer.

An "average" Playboy bunny

An “average” Playboy bunny

Hear me out, Hef. I am that oh-so-relatable woman you’ve been seeking. I work full-time in an office, am an avid reader, writer, and jogger. With autumn upon us I shave maybe, twice a month. I am a master of omelets, smoke cigars, and once kicked a doctor in the dick for making my brother cry. Granted, I was four years-old at the time, but I was a budding feminist nonetheless. I am now 29 and wear fucking adult braces. To say I’m in no way intimidating to men OR women is an understatement. Most important of all, I am fluffy AND sexy.

Bunny FOW 1

This year’s Christmas card.

Let me help you. Put your trust in the paws palm of my hand. This is your first step of redemption on a long road of correcting the sexist wrong-ness of the Playboy empire.

Just kidding. We all know Playboy will remain skeevy but that’s why we like it. Censorship or not, your legacy will never be saintly but that’s what makes you, well you. A sincere good luck on your venture to making Playboy less McDonald’s and more Chipotle with extra guac. Oh, and if you ever need a writer (or ridiculous model), you know where to find me.

FOW Bunny 2

A natural, surgery free bunny.

 

25 Comments

  1. trillie

    Two words: scratch and sniff. That’s the one thing the internet can’t do, and magazines have been able to for ages. If they really want to get the most out of their chosen medium, they could do like those greeting cards where if you turn a part of a picture, music comes out… I really ought to get in touch with the Hef.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit (Post author)

      …Wait… Does Playboy do scratch and sniff? I thought that was only like, dentist office stickers.
      And yes, you have tons of lucrative ideas but why use them on Playboy when you could start your own music filled / scratch & sniff / greeting cards?

      Reply
      1. trillie

        Well, no, not yet, but think of the possibilities! 😉

        Reply
  2. Mark Petruska

    I didn’t realize that dildos were getting tossed around these days. Dwarves, on the other hand…

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit (Post author)

      I just kinda threw in the word dildo without really thinking. I mean, technically they’d get thrown around during a hurricane, idk.

      Reply
      1. Mark Petruska

        Talk about a big blow…

        Reply
    2. R. Todd

      I was thinking the same thing Mark.. am I so out of the loop that I don’t realize they get thrown around.. not that I want to be anywhere near that.. cause, could you imagine the forehead bruise you could walk away with?

      Reply
      1. Mark Petruska

        We guys are always the last to know these things, huh?

        Reply
        1. R. Todd

          On this particular topic… I’m okay being last. 🙂

          Reply
  3. Sophia Ball

    This. Was. Pure. Comedy. Gold.

    Reply
    1. Sophia Ball

      Wait, why is there no tweet button?!?! I would very much like to tweet this.

      Reply
    2. FitsofWit (Post author)

      *blushing*

      Reply
  4. Jessie Reyna

    “She sang at malls…”
    I nearly choked on my own saliva reading that. ‘Tis true…her only memorable quality was she sang in malls.

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit (Post author)

      I still have no idea who she is.

      Reply
      1. Jessie Reyna

        Have you seen the movie Ted?

        Reply
        1. FitsofWit (Post author)

          Once. I mostly blocked it out.

          Reply
          1. Jessie Reyna

            Lol. Well the part when the little kid and his dad kidnap Ted, and his dad is in the living room dancing to a music video, the woman in the video is Tiffany. “I think we’re alone now…”

  5. R. Todd

    Ok.. so, a few questions.. what? Do you just own a rabbit costume with a bikini on it or is that some kind of furry yiffing thing (I watch CSI, don’t judge that I know that). Two, how badly was your husband laughing when he took that first photo, because I don’t know that I would have been able to keep a straight face the entire time (unless, the above mentioned fetish is a thing.. at which point.. don’t answer. Please.. don’t answer).

    Reply
    1. FitsofWit (Post author)

      My husband and I are those obnoxious folks who love couples costumes. This Halloween we are being a bunny and a giant carrot. The bunny costume was delivered via Amazon the day before the Playboy announcement and I took a golden opportunity.
      There was a lot of awkward laughing involved.

      Reply
      1. R. Todd

        I dig the couple costumes, especially when they have some form of innuendo or layered meaning. Knowing you, I’m sure there is.

        Reply
        1. FitsofWit (Post author)

          Not actually. We have rabbits as pets so we thought why not?!
          If I see one more couple wear the plug and socket costume I’ll shoot myself.

          Reply
          1. R. Todd

            Yeah, no thought on that one. And rabbits? Is one named Haas and the other Pfefier? (I had two rabbits, wife wouldn’t let me name them that… so sad, great joke… /sigh)

          2. FitsofWit (Post author)

            Oreo and Nutter Butter. I’m basically a five year-old.

          3. R. Todd

            Ha! Love it.

  6. Pingback: I got an Oscar Award. | Stories from the far side of normal

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