Fits of Wit

I’ve Had Braces For Six Months – Here’s What I’ve Learned

Six-ish months ago I made the decision to straighten my chompers. Progress has been made (with 18 months to go) and I’ve learned a lot along the way.

teefers

Here’s what others may not tell you about having braces as an adult, but I will, because it’s Monday and I feel like preaching REALness.

 

  1. When you’ve just gotten braces, you’re afraid to smile in front of people.

“OH MY GAWD WHAT IF THEY THINK I’M A NERD?!” Once you start seeing progress however, you smile all the damn time. In fact, you smile more than you ever have in your life and it’s an awesome, inspiring feeling.

 

2. The first few weeks after getting braces, your teeth and jaw will be more sensitive than Drake’s latest album.

You’ll live off of applesauce, mashed potatoes, and fruit smoothies. You’ll lose 13 pounds, which is a plus, but the weight WILL come back because you WILL be able to eat normal again in about a month.

 

3. Speaking of sore teeth and jaw… oral sex will be the LAST thing you will want to participate in.

giphy lick

In time, you’ll give oral sex a shot and find that it’s no different than when you didn’t have braces. Except THIS time you now have rubber bands to improve your overbite, and those rubber bands (from what I’ve been told), give a pleasurable feeling of friction.

 

4. And speaking of oral sex, your friends may ask how you can give a blow job with braces, without shredding a cock like carrots.

Um, because YOUR BRACES ARE ON THE OUTSIDE OF YOUR TEETH, NOT INSIDE OF YOUR MOUTH. Unless you’re using his dick like a tooth brush, everything is exactly the same (except for the rubber bands. see #3).

 

5. Spinach, to a brace face, is basically Satan’s pubes.

bunny

Green veggies have a habit of wrapping around your brackets and require a good few minutes of scrubbing and flossing for removal. So when you go out with friends, you must avoid all things green which can especially be tough when a scrumptious salmon salad is on the menu.

 

6. You’ll assume all men and women find your metal mouth repulsive.

You may be surprised to learn however, that people occasionally compliment your robot teeth, and you get carded MORE because to some, braces make you look ten years younger.

 

7. Manual flossing sucks with braces so you’ll probably buy a Waterpik and accidentally drench your entire bathroom daily.

giphy

Your partner will then ask why the bathroom is moist, and you’ll vomit because the word moist should be banned from the US, right along with Donald Trump.

 

8. You’ll become obsessed with taking photos of your teeth.

giphy

You’ll wonder, Did my teeth move within the last two days? and you’ll snap a photo to compare the difference. Your cell phones photo gallery is just 2,000 photos of your teeth and you don’t even care.

 

So there you have it. These are the things I’ve learned thus far as an adult with braces. Six months down, 18 awkward, fantastic months to go.

 

17 Comments

  1. Holly

    Yes on the looking younger/getting carded more! I had mine on at 33 and off at almost 36 and was told I looked younger with them.

    Also, you find a lot of kids will ask why you are wearing braces. Loudly, and to their parents while in the aisle at Target after you pass them.

    I went full-on metal/traditional (I think it looks like you have clear/ceramic brackets on your tops, right?) and never regretted it.

    Don’t forget also, straws are your friends and are EVERYWHERE you can stash them. Plus, three years later, I still can’t eat an apple or a sandwich the way I used to before…always cut up or pulled apart 🙂

    Reply
    1. Jamie Alvarenga (Post author)

      YES! Adults don’t stare too much, it’s the kids wondering why you’re trying to channel your awkward teenage years. Haha.

      I have clear on top, yes, but I make sure to do colors on the bottom 🙂

      I’m basically a fruit ninja.

      Reply
  2. Mike G.

    Jesus, today’s post was channeling some VINTAGE Fits of Wit. Speaking of moist (okay, I have just been banished to Outer Mongolia) I was reading an interview with comedian Samantha Bee. She had a theater professor/instructor who would refer to her private area as her swamp. I kinda like that. But talk about moist.

    Reply
    1. Jamie Alvarenga (Post author)

      Oh GOD. I can’t decide if I dislike moist or swamp more. BLLLEEEGGHHHH.

      Reply
  3. Mike G.

    Given your revulsion (already expressed on numerous occasions) to moist, I readily understand your reticence to jump on board the “swamp train” as it were. But as Samantha explained, the instructor used it in a positive, healthy, empowering way.

    Okay, I thought it was a tad fetid too. But it sorta grew on me. Kind of like Revenge of the Swamp Thing.

    Reply
    1. Jamie Alvarenga (Post author)

      When your swamp vagina does something funny.

      via GIPHY

      Reply
  4. the home tome

    You are a champ and so are your chompers!

    Reply
    1. Jamie Alvarenga (Post author)

      I’ve never been a champion before.

      via GIPHY

      Reply
  5. bensbitterblog

    I wasn’t an adult when I got mine, but I sure loved mine. I remember all the pain, but when I got them off, man did I miss them.

    Reply
    1. Jamie Alvarenga (Post author)

      I don’t see how I could possible miss them…

      Reply
      1. bensbitterblog

        I had them for two years so they were just a part of me. When they took them off it was like phantom pain when you are missing a leg or arm. That was just me though… you might be happy to get rid of them.

        Reply
  6. pointlessboob

    Moist, of course, is the queen of all words: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgGcwbtQTss

    Reply
    1. Jamie Alvarenga (Post author)

      That is a great freaking clip. THANK YOU!

      Reply
  7. R. Todd

    (Ok, reposting the comment I just wrote and apparently got eaten by a failed java plugin.. (so if this is a duplicate, feel free to delete it)). I am currently writing a note to myself on a moist notepad. Why is it moist? Well, that has to do with the note I am writing to myself. “Don’t drink coffee while reading ‘Fits of Wits'”. See, it all started off innocently enough, I have my coffee, I have a blog. I take a sip, read #3, choke on the coffee, then read #4 and that was it… coffee spewed forth (another great word by the way.. spew) covering my desk in spewed out droplets of coffee. Thus making my notepad moist. (and for those keeping count… we are now at 3 uses of each word).

    Reply
    1. Jamie Alvarenga (Post author)

      NO. Your notepad is wet, damp, drenched, or soggy.
      I don’t mind spew.

      Reply
  8. PDP Mike

    This made my morning. You crack me up like no other.

    Reply
  9. Ahdad

    Both my brats have braces and they can’t wait for it to come off. Sympathy all ’round.

    I should syndicate the show, Brats with Braces…
    Remember you read it here first!

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Follow

Get the latest posts delivered to your mailbox:

%d bloggers like this: