Six-ish months ago I made the decision to straighten my chompers. Progress has been made (with 18 months to go) and I’ve learned a lot along the way.
Here’s what others may not tell you about having braces as an adult, but I will, because it’s Monday and I feel like preaching REALness.
- When you’ve just gotten braces, you’re afraid to smile in front of people.
“OH MY GAWD WHAT IF THEY THINK I’M A NERD?!” Once you start seeing progress however, you smile all the damn time. In fact, you smile more than you ever have in your life and it’s an awesome, inspiring feeling.
2. The first few weeks after getting braces, your teeth and jaw will be more sensitive than Drake’s latest album.
You’ll live off of applesauce, mashed potatoes, and fruit smoothies. You’ll lose 13 pounds, which is a plus, but the weight WILL come back because you WILL be able to eat normal again in about a month.
3. Speaking of sore teeth and jaw… oral sex will be the LAST thing you will want to participate in.
In time, you’ll give oral sex a shot and find that it’s no different than when you didn’t have braces. Except THIS time you now have rubber bands to improve your overbite, and those rubber bands (from what I’ve been told), give a pleasurable feeling of friction.
4. And speaking of oral sex, your friends may ask how you can give a blow job with braces, without shredding a cock like carrots.
Um, because YOUR BRACES ARE ON THE OUTSIDE OF YOUR TEETH, NOT INSIDE OF YOUR MOUTH. Unless you’re using his dick like a tooth brush, everything is exactly the same (except for the rubber bands. see #3).
5. Spinach, to a brace face, is basically Satan’s pubes.
Green veggies have a habit of wrapping around your brackets and require a good few minutes of scrubbing and flossing for removal. So when you go out with friends, you must avoid all things green which can especially be tough when a scrumptious salmon salad is on the menu.
6. You’ll assume all men and women find your metal mouth repulsive.
You may be surprised to learn however, that people occasionally compliment your robot teeth, and you get carded MORE because to some, braces make you look ten years younger.
7. Manual flossing sucks with braces so you’ll probably buy a Waterpik and accidentally drench your entire bathroom daily.
Your partner will then ask why the bathroom is moist, and you’ll vomit because the word moist should be banned from the US, right along with Donald Trump.
8. You’ll become obsessed with taking photos of your teeth.
You’ll wonder, Did my teeth move within the last two days? and you’ll snap a photo to compare the difference. Your cell phones photo gallery is just 2,000 photos of your teeth and you don’t even care.
So there you have it. These are the things I’ve learned thus far as an adult with braces. Six months down, 18 awkward, fantastic months to go.
- all gifs found at giphy.com.