Fits of Wit

How To Start A Blog: Unprofessional Yet Helpful Instructions You Never Asked For

So you want to be a blogger, huh? First, let’s get one thing straight. It’s not as glamorous as it seems. If you’re under the impression that blogging looks like THIS…

pink

…then you’re in for a rude awakening because blogging really looks more like THIS.

giphy blanket

I’ve been at this humor blogging bit for almost three years now and if you’re looking for professional blog instructions in which the writer doesn’t use gifs as a crutch, this is not the place for you. But if you’re looking for some real, heartfelt, yet possibly weird advice from someone who’s learned from her mistakes and successes, welcome. Have a seat, pour yourself a glass of wine, or whatever else relaxes you. Vibrator? Awesome! No pics, please.

 

Step 1: Find your voice.

voice

Decide what the hell you want to blog about. Is there a certain hobby or niche you’re passionate about? Are you a world traveler with interesting photos and stories to share? Do you collect vintage clothing, coins, or butt plugs? Are you a fitness professional? Or do you want to throw caution to the wind and have a place on the internet to speak the words you can’t vocalize elsewhere?

Whatever you decide you want to write about, do it as you. Let your personality shine through. Don’t be afraid to be who you are and don’t try to fit into a mold that you think people will want to read. People who enjoy your style of writing will stick around, and those who don’t can kindly fuck themselves.

 

Step 2: Choose a blog name.

say my name

Before you create a blog, take a few days to decide what you want your name to be. I say a few days because it’s kind of a big decision. Remember in middle school when your email address was BackstreetLuvr6969@hotmail.com? And how you were too lazy to change it until one day you applied for a part-time job and included the email BackstreetLuvr6969@hotmail.com on your resume? And then the manager called to tell you you didn’t get the job because your email made him question your professional image and overall sanity? Well, choosing a blog name is kind of like that.

I don’t mean to say that you’re stuck with that name forever. Depending on what platform you choose to blog with, you may be able to change it up at your leisure. But know that after a while people will start to associate you with your blog name. If down the road you regret making your blog name CamelTitsAreSexy, and then all of a sudden you change it, you could possibly lose readers because they may not know it’s still you. So again, choose your name wisely.

 

Step 3: Create your blog.

computer

If you’re just starting as a blogger, it’s best to use a free service. That way if you decide blogging is not for you, you can delete with the click of a mouse without ever having spent a penny. I highly recommend WordPress.com because it’s free and you can connect with several other bloggers through the WordPress reader. If you ever want to transfer your blog to a paid host in the future, there are several sites that have an easy transfer process from WordPress.

If you plan to do freelance writing down the road, most sites require that you have WordPress experience. So make like Nike and just do it.

 

4. Make your blog fucking beautiful.

color

THIS IS THE FUN PART, GUYS! Decorate your new space on the net however your heart desires. Just make sure that the fonts are very easy to read and not microscopic. No one wAnTs tO ReAd WriTiNg LiKe tHis. Eventually, you may want to stick with certain colors for your “brand,” but it’s certainly not necessary. I myself have an unhealthy obsession with pastels, hence my overuse of mint green. Do whatever you want. Again, readers want to know YOU and how you present your blog is a big indicator of your style.

TIP: There are several websites where you can make your own header, blog buttons, and more. I recommend  Canva.com because like a cat’s bejeweled asshole, it’s the gift you never knew you needed. It’s also free.

 

5. WRITE!

write

Planning blog posts is good, but don’t overthink it.

You can always go back and edit but you should NEVER EVER delete an old post. What happens is that if someone Googles, I dunno, clown semen, your old DELETED post about clown semen could still show in the search results, and when the person clicks to read, there will be a blank page. Search engines also ding you for having too much deleted content which could make it impossible for anyone to discover your cool awesome blog.

Remember, your writing will only improve with time. To blog is to be a blogger. That’s it.

 

6. Find your people.

leo

It’s likely that you are the only person out of your group of friends who blogs, and that’s okay. If you’d like to connect with fellow bloggers who write similar content, you can look on BlogLovin’, WordPress reader, BlogHer, Google, or pretty much any and all social media platforms. It’s nice to have support and advice from others who get it.

 

7. You’re ready, grasshopper.

grasshopper

Everyone wants different things out of blogging. You’ll never know where it can lead if you never begin.

Don’t go into it comparing yourself to others or assuming that you should instantly have 30,000 followers. Like everything else in life, it takes time. Once you think you have this whole blogging thing down, you can make social media pages, attend blogging conferences, or begin looking into writing for other websites – which I’ll discuss in my next equally unprofessional post.

God speed to Ralph Macchio’s everywhere.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8 Comments

  1. Mike G.

    Okay, Jamie, I was going to skip this posting because in all honesty I’m NEVER going to create a blog. Not because I’m at a loss for words, because you, of all people, know I can go on and on and on and o…point made. And it’s NOT because I’m not clever, because, you know…ahem.

    Largely it’s because my life is segmented into seasonal obsessive behavior and I know to be good at blogging and to keep your followers that you have to have some sort of consistency. Right now I’m in Ancestry.com season. It started a few years ago and it rests between the Super Bowl and the beginning of the baseball season. I’m mapping the family trees of, like, my 4th cousins whose peeps emigrated from Quebec in the early 1800s. Cool you say? Not really cuz I’m Italian and Irish. More on that later. (Probably not.).

    Anyway, a couple of thoughts with respect to what YOU wrote. First, be happy the manager only told you that your email was unprofessional and NOT that he wanted a Cleveland Steamer or Rusty Trombone. Second, while YOU may think you needed a bejeweled cat’s asshole, did you ever for once consider the feelings of the cat? What about his or her comfort?

    Finally, butt plugs. I’d share a dream I had last night, but not in this forum.

    PS I loved the Zenith laptop. Who knew?

    Reply
  2. Mike G.

    Oh yeah, almost forgot. I met Ralph Macchio about 3 years ago when my youngest was searching for colleges. His son and my daughter are same age and they were both looking at a school in VA. We went on the tour together and he was quite affable. And I came away thinking this guy has his shit together.

    And maybe I’ll share my OMG moment with respect to my ancestry research. It’s the god’s honest truth and only a little icky. Better in an email I think.

    Reply
  3. bensbitterblog

    So how was the blogging conference? Did you learn a lot? Make tons of new blogger friends?

    Reply
  4. R. Todd

    Ok, the first gif I have actually seen the video too, and I must say, it was amazing. And the last gif has me signing .. “You’re the best… around… nothings ever gonna keep you down…”

    Reply
  5. garym6059

    I just found your site and your humor is right up my alley! Pretty good advice for any newbie blogger, have fun with it at first if it is something you get unhealthily addicted to (like we all do) then sprout your wings and fly off into the interwebs!

    Reply
  6. Stacey Loring

    I was trying to see if I was the only sarcastic blogger out there, and thank heavens I’m not. After reading the first paragraph, I realized, I’ve finally found my lost twin. I think I’m going to spend the next 2 hours at work reading all of your posts because it’s 3pm and I’m fucking tired of working at the moment. I wish more people would just be themselves and not try to be a cookie cutter model of some other dipwad. Hugs! STACEY

    Reply
  7. betunada

    hope you’ve just gone out, for months? for some awfully boldiferous coffee. post again soon?

    Reply
    1. Jamie Alvarenga (Post author)

      I am alive. I did indeed drown in coffee. Thanks for checking 🙂

      Reply

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